Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel as if their spouse is trying to discourage them during their trial separation. Often, they are trying their very best to remain optimistic and to hold out hope that things are going to eventually work themselves out. But, this can be very difficult to maintain when not only is your spouse not saying anything very encouraging, but their words are actually discouraging.

To put this into words, I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He only agreed to a separation instead of a divorce because I begged him to do so. If my husband had his way, we would be divorced by now. He doesn’t seem to hold out much hope for our marriage. There have been a couple of occasions when we have actually gotten along wonderfully during our separation and we have ended up laughing or talking all night, but these episodes are few and far between. And, when they do happen, my husband seems to back away. Last weekend, we actually went out to dinner and we were having a lovely time. I said something sentimental and to the effect of ‘maybe one day we will have these types of outings more frequently’ and my husband said ‘don’t wait for me.’ I have a suspicion about what he meant by this, but I still asked him to explain. He said that by no means should I put my life on hold for him or for our marriage. He said that we are clearly separated and I shouldn’t be planning the future or waiting. I know that he means this to discourage me. This is probably his way of telling me that in time, we are probably going to get divorced. But I don’t feel like I’m ready to give up on my marriage yet. Is this so wrong? How do I not wait for him when I’m not yet ready to live without him? And why would I be when we are still married and when I see him all of the time?”

I have a hard time discouraging anyone during their separation. My stubbornness during my own separation was a well known fact by people who loved me. And many of those same people very gently tried to tell me that perhaps it was time to move on or let it go. I would listen and nod. I would try to be respectful and remember that all of this was coming out of love and out of their concern for me. But, at the end of the day, I didn’t give up.

But I did eventually come to realize that there is a difference between waiting and giving up. Honestly, it wasn’t until I started living my life as someone who cared about herself once again that my situation greatly improved. When I say this, I don’t mean that I started dating other people. I want to make that clear. I don’t think that not waiting means that you pick up your romantic life when you are still married and you are still at least somewhat hopeful that things will change in the future.

But, I did start to go out with friends. I did start to pursue some of my interest and passions again. Yes, my marriage and my romantic life were somewhat on hold (by my own choice) but I picked up my professional and social lives. Sitting home and just waiting for something to change became depressing. And this projected itself onto many areas of my life. Friends and family could clearly see it. I am sure that my husband could see it. And I don’t think that it was coincidence that once I stopped putting myself and my life on hold, my husband was no longer as resistant to me. He didn’t need to be resistant anymore because I was no longer hanging on his every word and gesture. Eventually, this meant that he no longer had to avoid me and when we were together, I was which more pleasant (and less desperate) to be around.

Believe me when I say that I’m not trying to discourage you. I am trying to encourage you. Living your life doesn’t mean that you have given up on your marriage. It means that although you know and hope that things are going to change, you’re no longer going to put your life on hold while you are waiting for that change. Instead, you’re choosing to spend time with family, friends, and people who love you. And you embrace life and the things that bring you joy – even if you’re doing that solo for now.

The whole time, you are still clear on the fact that you are married. For me, this was never about dating again. I was always clear that I was still married in my mind and in my heart. My friends knew this and they respected it. The change was that I was no longer sitting at home and waiting for the phone to ring. I was no longer inactive on weekends. I was doing what I liked to do with people that I liked to do it with. And at that time, it was my friends and not my husband. But this shift eventually helped my marriage as well. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage during a separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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