Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are willing to try just about anything to save their marriage – even things that they might have considered to be quite drastic measures just a short while ago. Sometimes, this includes considering a separation. And the reason that this comes up is because often times, it becomes clear that you are choosing between a separation or an imminent divorce.

If you were to hear this concern put into words, it would probably sound something like: “my husband and have a marriage that is in real trouble. Things changed for us after my husband had an affair three years ago. We tried numerous things in order to get back on track. But somehow, we never got our marriage back to where it was. Things are always strained between us. For the last six months, we have been doing nothing but fighting non stop. One of us will start yelling and then the doors start slamming. It has gotten to the point where we can’t even have a decent dinner without someone storming away from the table. I know that this is awful for our children. I don’t want for this to continue on this way. I was talking to one of our mutual friends about this and she said she thinks we are at the point where we need to try a separation in order to save our marriage. She says that if we are living in two different places for a while we will calm down, realize that we miss each other, and realize that our marriage is worth fighting for. This all sounds good in theory. But, I’m scared that so much could go wrong. What if we separate and he decides that he is much happier? What if he never comes back? Can you really save your marriage from separating?”

The Advantages And Risks Of Trying To Use A Separation To Save Your Marriage: I did save my marriage during a separation. However, looking back at it now, I believe that we could have potentially saved our marriage without the need for separating, which didn’t always go so well. I didn’t have a choice in this, though. It was my husband who initiated the separation. In hindsight, I believe that a separation can bring about a sense of urgency that can propel you to give saving your marriage your all. All of sudden, when you are alone in your home without your spouse, reality sets in and this can make people more motivated to compromise and to try a little harder.

With this said, there is a price to pay for this sense of urgency. There is a risk. Not all couples reconcile after a separation. Some assume the worst of each other. Some find their already shaky communication breaking down even more. Some marriages suffer from severe distrust during a separation. In short, many things can and do go wrong. If you’re going to separate, I feel that you should be very committed to staying in contact and working together to come closer together rather than drifting further apart.

It’s Not Necessarily The Separation That Saves Your Marriage, It’s The Perspective And The Motivation That The Separation Gives You: I honestly don’t think that there’s something magic in being separated that suddenly makes a spouse wake up and then magically be able to save their marriage when they couldn’t do this while living under the same roof. Rather, I believe that sometimes the separation gives you a perspective that motivates you. It gives you a taste of what life might be like without your spouse. And this nudges you toward being a little more cooperative when it comes to saving your marriage.

With this said, I believe that if you work very hard, you can accomplish this without needing the risk of a separation. A counselor can help you with this. Some very good self help resources can help you with this. And, you can try staying with friends on a very temporary basis or you can take a mini vacation to give you the same affect without the risk of living under separate roofs. Yes, this isn’t easy and it takes effort, but I believe that it may be worth it to try these things before separating.

Do I think my separation saved my marriage? My honest answer is no. In many ways, it almost ended it. What saved my marriage was my change in attitude and the fact that I became extremely motivated to educate myself and to make real changes that would drastically change the landscape of my marriage. It was these changes that made all of the difference and not the separation itself. And I believe that if you can bring this about without needing to bring about a separation, then this is optimal. Of course, this isn’t always possible. Sometimes, drastic measures are needed. But I think it’s always best to try to least risky options first.

If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage during a separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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