Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated because their husband has told them at they aren’t happy with them or with the marriage. This hurts. And it can make you wonder if he still has any love for you or if all this unhappiness business is just a preview of things to come.

I might hear a comment like: “last weekend, my husband and I unexpectedly were able to go out to dinner alone because some of my neighbors invited our children to a barbecue. I was very happy about this because I thought that finally my husband and I would have some alone time. Having small children has taken its toll on our marriage as well as the fact that we both have very busy careers. Last weekend, I was confident that we still loved each other, but were not as close as when we first met simply because of the stress of every day life. I thought this was normal when you had such a young family. I was very surprised when my husband told me that he was very unhappy with our marriage and our lives. He pretty much said it out of the blue, without much warning. At first, he would only vaguely say that he wasn’t happy, but after I kept asking him open ended questions, he said that he feels lonely in our marriage and he feels that we never have any quality time together and possibly are not compatible anymore. Well, I can fix the quality time issue. I could cut back at work if I had to and if my marriage was at stake. But I don’t agree that we’re not compatible. And I think that he is overreacting quite a bit. I asked my husband if he was going to leave and if he still loved me. He said that he didn’t know if he was going to leave and that he ‘thought’ that he was still in love with me. He ‘thinks’ he’s still in love with me? That makes me think that he doesn’t love me anymore. And when I combine with this with the knowledge that he’s unhappy, this makes me think that he doesn’t still love me. But my friend says this is crazy talk. She said that people can be in a rut and be unhappy and still love their spouse. Who is right?”

I’m not going to stall here. I’m going to tell you right away that I think that the friend was right. Now, would it be unheard of for a husband to tell his wife he might still love her when he knows in his heart and for certain that he does not? No, certainty not. Men will sometimes hesitate to their wives when the loving feelings have left because they don’t want to hurt her. And because they don’t want to give her too much to process all at one time. After all, they have just told her that they are unhappy. It would be kind of heartless to throw in the “I don’t love you” on top of all of this.

With that said, it is VERY possible to love your spouse and not love your marriage, or your life, or your circumstances, during one moment in time. In fact, it’s not at all uncommon for people to think that it is their marriage (or their spouse) that is contributing to their unhappiness when in fact it is other things that are creating the conflict. This is called projection and it happens because your spouse is the closest person to you and therefore the most logical target.

Even husbands who are very unhappy can still very consciously love their wives. They can still love their wives and wish that things were different. In fact, I would argue that if they didn’t still love their wives, then this whole thing wouldn’t be bothering them as much. Think about it. One of this husband’s biggest complaints was that they didn’t have as much time together and therefore couldn’t share the closeness that the husband seemed to crave. Well, if he didn’t still love his wife, would he really react to not having enough time and intimacy with her? Would he be missing her and feeling the void in the same way? Possibly not. Probably not.

So to answer the original question, I think that it can be a real mistake to assume that he doesn’t love you just because he’s unhappy. And if you still love him, then it makes sense to address the source of his unhappiness (as he has told you what it is) and get the loving feelings to return. They are likely still there, but he doesn’t feel them because he doesn’t have as much opportunity to feel them. And because his perceived unhappiness is clouding his other feelings.

I wish that I had listened more when my own husband told me that he was unhappy.  I just sort of hoped that everything worked out on it’s own.  But of course it didn’t.  We eventually separated.  And I had to work doubly hard to get him back.  It would have been easier if I had just listened in the first place. If it helps, you can read about our struggles to save our marriage (which I eventually did) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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