Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are worried that their trial or marital separation is going to mean the end of their marriage. They sometimes ask their spouse for reassurance about this and they are told to hang in there and have faith. This can be difficult though, especially when you’re not sure if you believe your spouse because you are unsure as what his motivations and feelings might be.

I might get a comment like: “my husband left me about three weeks ago. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that he left me because this implies that I didn’t know that he was going to leave. In fact, I did know that he was going to go. He has been telling me for months that he wants a separation. So, I knew that as some point he would find a temporary place to live and he would move out. But my only hope was that he would miss me while he was gone and that he would return home relatively quickly. That hasn’t seemed to happen. If we are going to talk, then I am going to have to be the one to call him. He never initiates anything with me. To be honest, I kind of feel that he has abandoned me. The other day, I got very frustrated with this and I asked my husband if there was still hope for us. I fully expected for him to tell me that there wasn’t. But, instead he said that he hasn’t given up on us yet. I realize that I should be relieved and happy about this. But I’m not. Because I am not sure that I believe my husband. If he had hope for us, wouldn’t he be calling me? If he hadn’t given up on us yet, then wouldn’t he be making more of an effort than he is? One of my friends said that I should just take him at his word. But I’m having an incredibly hard time doing this. Could he be telling the truth?”

Remember That you Are Separated And Not Divorced: I think that it’s certainly possible that he is telling the truth. The fact is, this separation was only weeks old. Sometimes, that is not long enough for the person who initiated the separation to determine how they are feeling or what they want.

In fact, you have to be logical here. If your husband thought there was no hope for your marriage or if he’d given up on the two of you, wouldn’t he have initiated a divorce instead of a separation? The fact that he stopped short of  asking for a divorce might actually be quite telling. My theory has always been that you don’t necessarily need to give up on your marriage while you are still married, even if that means that you are separated. Plenty of people (myself included) reconcile after a separation. It is not at all uncommon. And this is even true when things looked dire or when one spouse truly had given up.

A Reconciliation Doesn’t Usually Happen Without Considerable Effort: With all of the above said, a reconciliation doesn’t always just magically happen with out a huge amount of effort and patience. You will often have to work on your relationship and on your issues during the separation. At the very least, you will need for the awkwardness and the unhappiness to fade so that your spouse can one day believe that he would be happy within the marriage again.

But, if you just give up now (even after your husband has told you that he has hope and has not given up) what do you think are the chances of a reconciliation spontaneously happening? Probably not at optimal levels. Instead, I would suggest hanging in there and doing everything in your power not to get discouraged. Why? Because it is just human nature to react positively to positive behavior and negatively to negative behavior.

I understand being frightened right now. And, I even understand why you don’t believe what your husband is telling you. When you are the only one making contact, it can feel like a very big rejection. It can create doubt. But, when you repeatedly voice those doubts, you are almost convincing your husband that they are true. And, this makes him more likely to react to the doubts.

Instead, you want to create a situation where you are showing him that both of your doubts may be unfounded. You want to show him that, even under this difficult time, you can not only get along well with one another, but can reconnect as well. And when this happens, you want to build on the positive things that you are seeing. You want to do this very gradually so that you don’t come off as pushy. But, if you are able to build on the small victories, you will often find that these lead you to reconciliation. And you will be relieved to know that he was sincere when he said that he hadn’t lost hope or had given up. As the friend above suggested, I wouldn’t declare that I didn’t believe my husband unless he gave me a reason not to.

There were times when I got very discouraged during my own separation.  It went on for so long and there was very little encouragement along the way.  I finally realized that I could provide encouragement to myself and this kept me going.  I was able to stick with it and eventually, we reconciled. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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