Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who feel that their spouses sudden need for “space” or his desire for a marital separation stems, at least in part, to some personal struggles that he’s been experiencing. Often, the spouse who doesn’t want the separation firmly believes that the difficulties or the stressors that their spouse is facing is greatly contributing to his behaving in such a way that might place his marriage in jeopardy. And for this, there is understandable worry.

As an example, I might hear a comment like: “my husband’s sister died suddenly about eight months ago. Understandably, he was devastated. And, he has been struggling ever since. This has been so hard to watch. My husband has always been a social drinker but after he lost his sister, he started drinking heavily. And his work performance suffered. He eventually got demoted at his job and it wouldn’t shock me if he were eventually fired. For the past several months, he’s been talking about how unhappy he is. Then several weeks ago, his talks of unhappiness turned to our marriage. Then he moved out and said that he wanted to separate for a while because he was no good for me and he needed to be by himself. I really didn’t feel as if I had any other choice but to accept this. The other day, I went by my husband’s place and I was shocked when he came to the door. He was disheveled and by the way he smelled, I could tell that he hadn’t showered recently and that he had been drinking. I expressed concern and he told me that I was overreacting. He said that he’d had a hard day at work and just needed to unwind. I’m so worried for him and I hate that he’s not living with me so that I can keep an eye on him. I’m worried that his downward spiral is going to accelerate now that we are separated. Despite everything, I want to save my marriage. I still love him. I still believe in him. I’m not sure where I go from here.”

This situation is quite sad. And quite common. Many wives in this situation desperately want go get their husbands the help that he very obviously needs. But these husbands are often quite resistant to this and he will often think that you are only trying to do this to place the blame for the failing marriage onto him, even when that isn’t even close to your real intention. They will often think that you are being critical instead of legitimately worrying about them. And, when you are already separated and when your marriage is already on shaky ground, this can be tricky. Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on some thing that you might try to improve the situation.

Consider Not So Obvious Ways To Get Him To Counseling: It was pretty obvious that therapy might help this husband. And the wife had mentioned it to him many times and he had resisted. If this is the case, you might want to try to get him there in another way. Often, you’ll have a little more success if you allude to the fact that the therapist is going to be addressing marital issues or even your issues if this is what you have to say. (Of course, you will have to find an open therapist who is willing to help you with this.) You might tell him that you have decided to work on yourself during the separation and that the therapist has suggested some joint sessions to help you support one another. He is likely to be a little more receptive if he thinks that he is helping you instead of analyzing him. Of course, the therapist can’t go into his problems all of a sudden. The idea is to ease him into this only when he has become comfortable with the situation and can begin to see the benefit of it.

Check In As Much As The Situation Will Allow: Sometimes, I suggest that wives give their husband the space that he has asked for. The reason behind this is that in my own situation, I learned that backing up a little was actually very beneficial. But, when you’re seeing your husband self destruct before your eyes, then the backing off strategy can be risky because when he is lost in this way, you don’t want to stand back for long periods of time. You may have to limit yourself to quick and simple conversations just to make sure that he is OK. Or, you may have to alternate this with friends or family members who are close to him and who know what is going on. If you can organize a circle of friends and each of you take turns checking in with him, then it hopefully won’t feel as if any one person is coming on too strongly. Speaking of friends, this leads me to my next point.

See If Others Can Get Through To Him When You Can’t: Sometimes, we are the most defensive around our spouse. We don’t want for our spouse to see us as weak or as needing this type of care. So when our spouse suggest that we are struggling, we will do everything in our power (including pushing them away) to prove that they are wrong. If this is the case, see if your husband will instead listen to a close friend who he trusts. It doesn’t always have to be you who gets him the help that he needs.

In my own situation, I found that I had to feel my way.  Some days my husband was receptive to me.  And some days he wasn’t.  I had to be flexible but determined. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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