Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are very surprised and disappointed at their spouse’s less than kind behavior when they are on a trial or marital separation. Often, they had some hope that the separation might make them miss one another and therefore bring this closer together. But, unfortunately, their spouse’s behavior is making this nearly impossible because their spouse is going out of his way to say mean and hurtful things.

Comments that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I honestly didn’t want a trial separation but my husband kept pushing for it. We have a couple of issues that don’t seem to go away no matter what we do. And my husband said he just couldn’t take living together anymore without having some type of break. So he moved out about two weeks ago. I’ve never been separated before so I had no idea what to expect. But I had hoped that both of us could calm down and work together. Not only has that not happened, but it doesn’t appear to be possible. My husband has been very negative during this process. Not only is he not loving toward me, but he says things that are downright nasty and cruel. His words are almost deliberately meant to hurt me. The other day, I got tired of waiting for me to ask to see me, so I asked him to lunch. His response was ‘why would I do that? I finally got some peace and quiet in my life and now have a little freedom. Why would I mess up this hard fought serenity by going to lunch with the person who made this all necessary in the first place?’ So at first I figured that he was probably just having a bad day and I let it slide. But then about four days later, he did this again. I called him and he picked up and said ‘no thanks. Not today. My day is going well and I don’t intend to ruin that.’ He is basically refusing to have any contact with me and insinuates that contact with me brings him down. It’s almost as if he’s saying that my mere presence contaminates his life. I am not sure why he has so much animosity toward me. But he makes me question our chances to reconcile. Why is he acting this way? And how can I make him stop?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Often He’s Saying Mean Things To Get A Reaction Out Of You: This situation is not all that uncommon. Often, one spouse finds themselves quite angry and resentful about the situation. Sometimes, one of them feels as if they are having a more difficult time than the other spouse, especially if they were the one who had to move out. Sometimes they will think that their spouse is sitting at their old home without a care in the world while they are in a strange place that isn’t nearly as nice or as familiar. And so their resentment of this can cause them to lash out.

Also, they are often trying to get a reaction out of you and the easiest way they can think of to do this is to say something mean and negative so that you have no choice but to engage in order to defend yourself. This can be true even if they aren’t trying to ruin their marriage or get a divorce.

He May Feel Like The Bad Guy In This Situation And Is Projecting This Onto You: Sometimes, people feel a little guilty about being the one to initiate the separation or to be the one to move out. This can feel as if you have abandoned your family or that you have failed and there can be a good deal of guilt associated with this. In order to get some relief of those feelings, they will try to pick fights with you. The idea is that they can get you to strike back and then suddenly you look like the bad guy and they can feel a little more justified and at peace with their actions. Often, they aren’t thinking about this consciously. It isn’t a plan that they sit down and map out. They are just reacting to their negative feelings or experiences.

How To Handle This Situation: My inclination is to always let things slide at first. Because you never know if he’s just having a hard time adjusting and will be back to himself shortly. But if you’ve waited patiently and this continues to happen with no improvement in sight, then it may be time to go ahead and address this. The next time that he begins being mean or nasty, you may want to respond with something like: “I have to be honest with you and tell you that you are hurting me and this is not the first time that this has happened. Your behavior isn’t like you and I’m wondering what is behind it. Is there some issue that you have with me that we need to discuss? Because I don’t think that we should continue on like this. I am still invested in this marriage. I still want to save it. But I’m not sure that we can do that if we can’t move past the negativity. It hurts me to hear you say these things. I still consider you my husband. And to hear my husband say these types of things is very hurtful, especially considering the situation that we are in. Can I ask you to say what is really on your mind rather than continuing to say mean and insulting things? Because this isn’t helping us.”

Then, just listen to his response. He may actually tell you what is bothering him. Or, he may not give you a straight answer but tone down his meanness. Or, he may continue on in the same way. But no matter what happens, at least you would have been straight forward and his response should give you some insights as to why he is acting this way. But honestly, most people act this way when they are afraid or hurt. I’d suspect that was the case here. Being separated is difficult and it feels foreign. And it can bring out negative behavior in people. That’s why it’s important to be proactive and to discuss it rather than negatively responding to it so that both spouses are engaging when this is dangerous and unnecessary.

My husband and I sometimes lashed out at one another during our separation.  But I eventually learned to let it go rather to engage.  Saving your marriage during a separation is hard enough without arguing all of the time.  If it helps, you can read about my story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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