Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who are feeling overwhelmed by their conflicting emotions. On one hand, they are thrilled that their marriage seems to be improving dramatically.  This can be a huge relief when you fear that you are on the brink of divorce.  In fact, some tell me that their husband hasn’t been this nice or sweet to them in years. Unfortunately, this excitement and relief is often short lived.  These wives understandably want to get back together as soon as is possible. So it can be very frustrating when you are dealing with a husband who tells you that he isn’t quite ready for that yet.

An example of a comment that I might hear in this situation is something like: “I don’t want to sound like I am complaining. My husband and I have been separated for just over three months. For the first several weeks, I honestly thought that we would end up divorcing. But gradually and over time, things have started to improve dramatically. In fact for the past couple of weeks, my husband and I have seen one another every night. It’s like we’re dating again. It’s almost like he’s wooing me. We are having a wonderful time complete with weak knees and sweaty palms. I am perfectly willing to get back together. I feel like it’s obvious that we should save our marriage and reconcile. We are happy and are relating to one another in more positive and real ways. We are getting a long better than we have for years. But when I ask my husband if it’s time to get back together, he says that he is not ready for that just yet. I find that very disappointing. And I then have to ask myself if he is just toying with me or flirting to boost his own self esteem. And then I start to have doubts and I ask myself what if he’s not as excited about this as I am? What should I do at this point? Should I push him to reconcile? Do I give him a deadline or ultimatum? Or should I just continue on and see how this plays out?”

Try Very Hard To See The Big Picture: I know first hand that it’s very tempting to want to hurry him along. After all, when you have been without your husband for weeks, you obviously are going to want him home immediately if not sooner. But, you will have much more long term success if you force yourself to prioritize the long term rather than the short term.

I know that you want him under your roof at once. But think for a second about what you want even more than that. You want the confidence to know that your marriage is actually going to make it and that your reconciliation is actually going to stick. You want to grow old with him, without ever needing to go through these difficulties in your marriage again. And if patience can help you to achieve this, then isn’t it worth it?

Try Not To Take This Personally. He May Be Reluctant Because He Wants To Make Sure That The Reconciliation Lasts: I know that it can be painful to hear him say that he is not yet ready to reconcile when you feel so strongly that the time is right. Your mind can begin to wander to the worst case scenario. And you can start to worry as to whether he is feeling the same things that you are. Stop for a second and ask yourself why he would want to toy with your emotions. If he wasn’t serious or enjoying himself as much as you are, then why waste his time to see you every single night?

It is just as likely that he wants to take things slowly because he wants for your reconciliation to be lasting. He wants to make sure that things are going to continue to run smoothly. His practical side may be wondering if you are both just getting caught up in the moment. None of this means that he doesn’t want to reconcile with you. But it can mean that he just wants to ensure that it’s really right when it does happen.

So what does this mean for you moving forward? In my opinion and experience, I would just continue on with the wonderful forward momentum you’re already created. Let’s face it. Dating your spouse again can be fun and exciting. Try to enjoy it rather than to question it. Because frankly, the longer that things continue to go well between you, the more likely he will be to believe in what he is seeing and feeling and the more likely he will become more and more comfortable with a real reconciliation. But it is better to wait so that you can have confidence that you can truly move forward than to rush things only to have the same issues crop up once again.  I don’t feel that an ultimatum is necessary and I feel as if it could harm the progress that you have already made.  My opinion is that you should just continue on as you have been and enjoy it.  Because obviously, it is working.

As I alluded to, I applied some pressure during my own separation and it seriously backfired on me.  I had to work extra hard and extra long to save my marriage.  But we eventually did reconcile and I learned a lot about myself and my marriage during the process.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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