Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from folks who want more than anything to have a chance to save their marriage, especially when they perceive that the issues within that same marriage are all of their faults.  However, sometimes not only is the issue that has threatened the marriage difficult to overcome, but the whole process has become nearly impossible because the angry spouse won’t even speak with the other in order to discuss or resolve this.

Common comments are things like: “I desperately need to save my marriage.  My husband caught me having a separate bank account.  I think that he believes I was keeping a separate stash of money because I was planning to leave him or because I had sneaky plans.  None of these things are true.  It’s just that I have always read and heard that you should have money set aside all your own, especially if you are female.  I make a decent living and I just wanted to develop a cushion.  I had no ill intentions whatsoever.  But I admit that I kept this a secret from my husband because I didn’t think that he would understand.  I assume that he would be a little annoyed and I just didn’t want any conflict.  I wish that I had told the truth.  My husband left our home and hasn’t come back.  He will not take my texts or phone calls.  He came back briefly to get some belongings and he would not even look at me or talk with me.  I desperately want to save my marriage, but I am not even sure if this is going to be possible if I can’t even get him to speak to me.  What can I do?”

This is a tough situation that sometimes seems very dire until it eventually gets better.  There is a chance that with some time and space, your husband is going to be able to calm down on his own.  But if you give him some time and he is still resistant to you, there are a couple of strategies which I think are best to avoid.   There are also a couple of strategies that, when implemented correctly, can work.  I will discuss both below.

The Things You Want To Avoid:  I know that when you are feeling ignored, it’s just human nature to want to ramp up whatever you are doing until he finally pays attention.  But, I often find that when something isn’t working and is only making things worse, it’s best not to continue to repeat it.  In other words, if you’ve tried repeatedly to get him to listen to your words, and he has been very resistant and is only getting more and more frustrated, then it makes sense to try something else.   I know that this can feel like a desperate situation and you can feel compelled to keep coming at him to get him to speak with you by any means necessary.  But, you will often have more success if you are a little more patient and you try things that are less frustrating to him.

When he’s this angry, sometimes the worst thing that you can do is continue to try to get him to talk immediately.  Instead, it can help to take responsibility and let him know that you are fully aware that part of your owning this is allowing him to set the pace.

Things That You Might Want To Try:  If he won’t speak to you and he won’t accept your texts, you can always try to send him a letter.  That way, he can choose to read this when he is ready and when he is calmer.   You want to just lay out your honest explanation.  You might want to stress that you had no bad or sneaky intentions and that you were only trying to be very diligent with your money as you’ve been advised to do.  Offer to work with your husband to come up with a new financial system that doesn’t encompass any secrecy.   And stress that you are willing to work together to come up with a solution that you can both live with.  Finally, you might want to offer him some reassurance that you will be ready to talk whenever he deems that the time is right.  You might want to reassure him that you won’t continue on with your unwelcome attempts to make him talk to you immediately.  Tell him that you will let him take the lead when the time is right.

Then, it’s important to do exactly what you have claimed and wait.  Give him some time.  If you wait a reasonable amount of time and he doesn’t reach out to you, then wait a bit and try again.  It’s very important that you give the situation time to calm down and conduct yourself with a high degree of integrity, especially since your husband may see keeping secrets as a lack of integrity that is very concerning to him.   You want to show him that you’re no longer going to keep secrets and that you are going to do exactly what you are now claiming. If the secret bank account was really the only issue, I felt there was a good chance this situation could eventually be resolved with patience and honesty.

Unfortunately for me, when my husband was resistant to me, I pushed and pushed.  I didn’t respect his wishes and I continued to try to wear him down.   Our separation almost ended in divorce as a result.  I did eventually save my marriage but not without making a lot of mistakes and turmoil first.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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