Would It Be OK For Me To Ask My Husband If He Wants To End Our Trial Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are starting to notice great improvements in their relationship when they have been on a trial separation. Often, they want to hope that these improvements mean that the separation might end and that their husband might come home. But they are afraid to address this directly because they are afraid of rejection. So, they aren’t sure if it’s in their best interest to just be honest and ask their husband if he wants to come home and end the separation, or if they should just wait to see what happens.
I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been on a trial separation for about three months. At first, things were very rough. He was avoiding me and I think that he was considering going out with other women. I didn’t know if our marriage would survive, but slowly, it has gotten better. Gradually, we started to talk and see each other more and more. For the past couple of weeks, he has started calling and coming by. We have started flirting with one another. He bought me a present yesterday and swung by my office and asked me to have dinner. At the end of the night, we started kissing but my husband backed away and said that we shouldn’t let things go too far. I am practically walking on air because it finally looks like my marriage might have a chance after all. I told one of my coworkers that I was considering asking my husband is he wants to just end the separation and come home. But my coworker feels that this would be rushing things. She said that I would be better off just waiting and making sure that things are right between us before I had this conversation. Is she right? Would I be wrong to ask him to come home and end the separation?”
This wasn’t a call that I could make. Only the wife could decide which strategy to use. With that said, I can certainly tell you my opinion on this based on my own experience and on some of the comments that I get on my blog. It’s my belief and experience that you are better off waiting until it is obvious that it is time to reconcile. And what I mean by this is that there is no uncertainly, no nervousness as to whether things are going to work out, and no outstanding issues that are still at play. I will explain this more below.
The Risk of Asking Him To End The Separation: I am fully aware that this probably isn’t what you want to hear. I know this because I was in this same situation. And I was very tempted to ask my husband to come back home as soon as I saw the slightest improvement. But, I’d had to work so hard and for so long to achieve any improvement, that I wasn’t comfortable risking all of that by pushing too hard. And this suspicion is supported by wives on my blog who regret pushing because it made their husband back away and negated all of the long, hard progress that they have made.
I know that no one wants to wait when a reconciliation is possible. I know that you want your husband back as soon as is possible. But it’s my opinion that it is better to wait until there is no longer any doubt rather than to risk taking multiple steps backward by moving too soon.
Building On The Progress That You Have Already Made: I didn’t want to discourage this wife or to diminish her excitement over the progress that had been made. She had every reason to feel excited and hopeful. And nothing says that you can build upon the progress that you have made. Continue to date. Continue to flirt. Continue to grow closer because all of these things make it so much easier to work through the issues that lead you to the separation in the first place.
Because there is a real risk in reconciling before you have healed. If you do that, you might find that the issues resurface and lead to either an additional separation or an eventual divorce. But now, you are in a situation when you have an opportunity to strengthen what has been weakened. You have the opportunity to rebuild a stronger foundation and to start again, emerging much more solid than you were before.
So to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that it’s in your best interest to wait if there is any doubt that it’s time to reconcile. It’s my experience that it is better to wait until your husband brings up the topic or until it is just obvious that you both feel the same way. The risk of speaking up only to later regret it is just too great. You don’t want for your husband to become hesitant and to back off and avoid you once again. So, at least in my opinion and experience, it makes sense to wait until the outcome is more obvious.
I know how you feel. I was so tempted to ask my husband to come home, but in the end, I decided to let him come to me. That way, I had the reassurance of knowing that he was truly ready and willing to come home. This wasn’t easy, but I firmly believe that it is one reason why we are still married today. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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