Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are fully aware that their behavior is actually making things worse when they are separated.  But they just can’t seem to help themselves.  A common example is calling or texting.  Most people realize that calling and texting excessively is only going to make their spouse frustrated with them.  Worse, it makes the chances that he is actually going to miss you and want to come home much less likely.  And yet still, it can be hard to stop.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about three weeks ago.  It was not a surprise at all.  I pretty much knew that he was going to leave, but I didn’t know when.  He’s been saying for months that he wanted a separation because he wasn’t completely happy being married to me.  He feels that he needs some time away.  I suppose I understand this and even if I didn’t, I don’t have much of a choice anyway.  I want to try to give him some space, but I just can’t help myself. I call him several times per day even though I know that I am annoying him.  And at times when I really want to call but find that the urge isn’t so bad, I will text him instead.  For the last couple of days, he hasn’t even answered my texts.  I know that I have to stop this, but I can’t seem to do so.  I just want to hear his voice.  And then I want the confirmation that he isn’t with someone else. I want to gauge how he is feeling and how receptive he is to me.  And if I don’t call or text, then I only have to guess and assume the worst.  How do I get control over this?”  I will try to answer this as best as I can in the following article.

Understand That Not Controlling This Can Really Hurt Your Outcome:  I know that you already suspect this.  But if it helps, allow me to confirm what you already know.  I hear from a lot of couples and wives on my blog and I can tell you that over pursuing your spouse when you are separated can sometimes be one the main reasons that you remain separated or end up moving toward a divorce.

And the reason for this is that if you do not give your spouse the space that he has asked for, he’s going to think that he has no choice but to distance himself from you or avoid you in order to get that space.  And sometimes, the more he avoids you, the more you reach out and these opposing forces can sometimes lead to a very bleak outcome.

Of course, the great irony is that often, you are well aware that you are doing harm but you just can’t stop yourself.  It sometimes helps to take it a step further and actually imagine the worst scenario and associate it with the behavior.

What I mean by that is that the next time you feel yourself reach for the phone once too often, take a deep breath, stop yourself, and then imagine yourself husband frowning on the other end of the phone.  Imagine him seeing his caller ID, realizing it’s you, and then ignoring it. Imagine him eventually blocking you so that you don’t have access to him at all, or worse, changing his number.  Of course, you don’t want these things to happen.  So you have to set up a system to stop yourself, which leads me to my next point.

Set Up Deterrents And Rewards:  As silly as it sounds, sometimes you need something to physically reprogram this cycle in order to stop the loop of your thinking.  I am saying this from experience.  I was caught in this cycle too and my behavior contributed to things becoming so bad that my husband began to avoid me altogether.

In desperation, I went to visit family another state away and this forced me to stop.  This break actually made my husband more receptive to me and once I was able to literally see that backing off worked, then it was much easier for me to do that.

But what I am trying to avoid is for it needing to get that far in your situation.  When you feel the urge to call or text and you know that it is too much, stop yourself, leave your phone, and walk away.  Go power walking, go for a drive, do whatever you need to do to leave your phone out of your reach.  Or, call a friend instead if you can’t put your phone down.

Try To Agree To Some Guidelines: Frankly, it can help a lot if you and your spouse can agree to some guidelines and boundaries.  Often, we reach out so much because we don’t know what to expect.  But if the two of you could agree to have dinner once or twice per week, then you wouldn’t need to call because you would know that at a set time, you would have your questions answered.

Or, perhaps you can agree to a phone call every evening at a certain time.  If you can get your spouse to agree to this, then it makes things much easier.  But if not, then you will need to set your own guidelines and determine what is appropriate and stick with it.  The good news is that you will often see that as soon as you tone it down, your husband will be more receptive to you.  And when this happens, then that positive reinforcement makes the whole process that much easier because you can literally see that your efforts are working and are therefore worth it.

I can not stress enough that when I backed off during my separation, things suddenly turned around for the better.  It was so difficult for me to do this, but once I did, it was impossible to ignore the results. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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