Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that many of the issues in their marriage stem from mistakes that they have made. In short, they know that a big reason that their husband has left or insisted on a separation is because of their own actions. So, often, not only are they very remorseful, but they have been motivated to make some drastic changes in their marriage. And although these changes are very positive ones, the wives often wonder if they are coming much too late. Because often, when the wife shares these changes with her husband, she finds that he has his doubts. So the wife is left wondering what she may have to do in order to get him back or to be given a second chance.

I heard from a wife who said: “for several months, my husband has been complaining that I don’t respect him enough. He says that my friends seem to be more important to me than he is. He says that I take him for granted. He has been telling me that he wants to plan for our future and get a hold on our spending and our financial goals when all I want to do is party. For a long time, I ignored these discussions. Honestly, my husband sounded like my father and this was not much of a turn on. Sure, we are in our early thirties, but we are not sixty. My husband kept trying to get my attention. He would drop little hints about how unhappy he was. I was just annoyed that he kept bringing it up. Well, after a while he got tired of being so frustrated because I came home and found that he had left a note telling me that he didn’t want to live as we were anymore. He said that he felt he deserved some one who would at least listen to his wishes. He said that he felt we had different goals in life. Now that I have had a chance to process this, I realize that my husband has been absolutely right all along. Since we’ve been separated, I’ve had a chance to go out every night and party all I want. And now I realize what a completely empty life this is and I want no part of it at all. I can’t believe I ignored my husband in the way that I did when all he wanted was to build some security for us. I feel so guilty about this and I want for him to know that I now realize that he was only thinking about our best interests and I am very grateful for that. Last night, I called my husband and I tried to tell him a few of these things, but he cut me off and told me that it’s really just too late. He said that he forgives me and holds no ill feeling toward me but that again, we are just different. Now I don’t know what to do to get his attention. He usually can’t resist me when I get upset so I’m seriously considering begging him to give me one more chance. My friend says this is a pathetic way to communicate with your husband but I don’t know what else to do.”

I understood this wife’s desperation. There is nothing worse than coming to an important realization too late, especially where your marriage is concerned. But from personal experience, I’ve come to believe that begging him to take you back or begging him for another chance is often a mistake. I believe that there’s a better way. I will tell you why below.

Frankly, Begging Is Just An Extension Of The Behavior That He Has Already Rejected: Believe me when I saw that I did understand this wife’s thought process. I felt the same way. I considered the same thing and I even tried it once. But honestly, I think that this strategy only made my husband more turned off. It was just one additional rejection.

In this situation, the husband already felt that he and his wife were two different people. He saw himself as the more settled and mature one, while he saw his wife as more emotional and volatile. And he found these differences worrisome. Well, imagine if the wife went ahead and just started begging him to take her back. Sure, he might hear her words, but he could potentially process this as yet another demonstration of immaturity on her part. He might think that rather than having an adult conversation based on negotiation and facts, here was his wife falling back on raw emotion and trying to manipulate him. In a sense, it once again shows a lack of respect. I know that you think that you may not get his attention in another way, but let me offer you an alternative and see what you think.

A Suggested Script That Might Work Better Than Begging: One thing that bothered this husband was the wife’s lack of patience. He was troubled that she never wanted to think about their future. She just wanted to have fun today. Well, begging is just another way to try to get an immediate and easy result. So it may have been to this wife’s benefit to show her husband that she was capable of having the maturity to have some patience.

So a suggested script might be something like: “I know that you have doubts about what I am telling you. And that is understandable considering you couldn’t get my attention before. But, now that I have had some time to myself and have had a chance to really sit and listen, I do now realize that you were right. I do now realize that I would like to try things your way because I was acting only in the short term. Right now, I am more focused on the long term and on building a foundation for us. I know that you may not believe me today. But I hope that perhaps you will just watch and observe so that you might believe me in the future. I’m finished with partying. It doesn’t offer me anything but loneliness and isolation. And I think that if you give me a chance, I could show you that I am extremely sincere. I don’t expect for you to just blindly believe me today. But I hope that in time, you will see proof in my behaviors and in my actions.”

In short, you are asking him not to make a rash decision. And since he has shown himself to be steady and forward thinking, he may just agree to this. The key here is to do exactly what you have promised. You must make good on your claims so that he can see that you are sincere and are deserving of that second chance.

But to respond to the question posed, I think begging is always a bad idea when you are talking about two adults in an debate as important as this one. I think that the better call is to show him with actions.  This is what I had to do in order to save my own marriage.  If if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin