Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are really struggling to remain positive during their marital or trial separation. Intellectually, they often know that keeping an upbeat attitude is vital to giving them the best chance of attracting their husband and saving their marriage. However, their heart doesn’t seem to want to follow along. They are torn apart by the separation. They are paralyzed by the fear. And they miss their husbands so much that they can’t think of anything else.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have only been separated for about two weeks. I am devastated. If you had told me even a year ago that my husband and I would be living apart, I would have never believed it. I know that we’ve had our problems but I just never thought it would come to this. My husband is open to seeing me even though we’re separated. He’s agreed to go out to lunch every Sunday after church. So basically we have the whole day together and I know that this is a huge opportunity for me. The problem is that I am so overcome with sadness during the whole day. All I can think about is that in a few short hours, he is going to get in his car and drive away to his own apartment that I do not share. I dwell on the fact that I might not even see him again until the next Sunday.  I worry about how much I am going to miss him for the entire week. I know that this probably brings him down and makes his less likely to want to spend a long time with me or to want to see me again, but I just can’t seem to help myself. I am very sad about this and I just can’t seem to act as if I’m not. I suppose I’m just not a good actress. What do I do now?” I’ll try to respond to these concerns in the following article.

Try To Focus On What You Still Have Instead Of What You Don’t Have: Believe me when I say that I know exactly where you are right now. I became extremely depressed when my husband and I were separated. And I know that my sorrow was obvious. In fact, there was a time when my husband would make all sorts of excuses to avoid being with me and I’m sure that part of that was because he knew that I would bring him down. I’m sure that it wasn’t a lot of fun to spend time with me. And I can’t blame him for wanting to avoid it.

So how did I force myself out of this? There were a couple of ways. First, I forced myself to go and visit my extended family. I needed some distance because I knew that if I was within driving distance to my husband, I was going to continue to make a pest of myself. The distance forced me to end the cycle, which was vital.

Then, when I got back, I started trying to focus on the positive things that were still in my life. I began to keep a gratitude journal. I know that this might sound overly simplistic but I can’t possibly overstate what a huge impact this had on me. I forced myself to write in my journal and record no fewer than ten things that I had to be grateful for every day.

When you do this for a couple of weeks, you will notice a strange and yet wonderful thing beginning to happen. Because you know that you will be responsible for coming up with ten blessings for that day, you start watching for them. You become much more aware of all of the positive things that are still in your life. Over time, you become grateful for the very fact that you are alive and able to appreciate that beautiful sunset, even if, just for right now, you are looking at it alone.

You start to realize that the very fact that you are alive with the family and friends that you still have are a reason for celebration. It may sound silly, but I hope that you will give it a try. It had a huge impact on my life and now that my husband and I are back together, I still make this a daily habit. And it has had a positive impact on my marriage also.

Help Someone Else: Again, this may sound like a cliche. But if you make it a habit to help someone else, then you will often feel much more upbeat and happy. I tried to find something that wasn’t so far outside of my comfort zone that I would dread going. I love to read and I spend a lot of time in the library. So I started tutoring reading there just once per week. Many libraries have a program such as this. This forced me to get out of the house and it was easy to forget my problems when I saw a child suddenly understand something that I had helped that child with.

I could give you more examples, but I am sure you get the idea. You have to break the cycle of continuing to dwell on the separation. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You may well be pleasantly surprised with how things turn out so you shouldn’t assume the worst or just put your life on hold while you are waiting.

In this particular case, there was probably a lot for this wife to be thankful for on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when she was having lunch with someone who meant so much to her. Sure, she hoped that things were different. But the fact that her husband was willing to meet with her regularly and spend a weekend day with her was certainly a good sign. Now, she just had to set it up so that they both started to look forward to those meetings because they were pleasant and fun for both of them.  She might start to focus on the feeling of sunlight on her back or the curve of her husband’s smile.  The point is, you can’t dwell on what is bad. You have to focus on what is good and have faith that in time, things will turn around.

As I’m sure you can tell, I was a mess during my own separation.  And I literally had to force myself outside of my comfort zone so I could dig myself out of my despair.  And once I was successful with this, it helped my marriage also.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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