Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many people almost have one foot out of the door in terms of their marriage.  Often, the only thing keeping them married is either their children or their sense of obligation and honor.  In short, many people want to honor the commitment that they made a long time ago even if honoring that commitment is very difficult today.

Still, even though this is a nice idea it can be difficult to remain committed to this when your marriage has become something that makes the both of you unhappy.  Sometimes, people begin to believe that their marriage is so bad that they aren’t sure if it wouldn’t be better to just walk away.

Someone might explain: “at this point, it’s hard for me to remember a time when I was happily married.  If I am being fair, I know that there was a time that we were truly happy.  In the early days, I thought my husband was the most amazing man and I considered him to be my best friend.  However, this was so long ago that I can no longer depend on my memories.  For the past decade, our marriage has been stale, stifling, and sometimes downright infuriating.  We fight all of the time.  I would rather be with my friends than with my husband.  I go out of my way to avoid being intimate with him.  I used to think he was so funny, but now when he tries to crack a joke I just roll my eyes.  I get so tired of listening to him say the same things over and over.  Our lives have become so predictable and monotonous.  I know that he’s not happy either because he’s never in any hurry to return home from work.  I have to be honest when I say that I’m not sure that there is anything between us anymore.  Sometimes I think that our marriage is too bad to save.  I was discussing this with my mother the other day and she told me I was being overly dramatic.  She said it is not as if my husband is abusive or irresponsible.  She said that I owe it to my children to try to work things out.  My mother believes that society is going downhill because most people don’t stay together for their children.  Is she right or are some marriages just too bad to be worth saving?”

While I didn’t necessarily agree with the mother’s assessment that the problem with our current society is based on our divorce rate, I do have to admit that I believe that it’s to everyone’s benefit to save your marriage when you can.  I know that saving your marriage isn’t going to be possible in every situation, but there have been numerous studies on children of divorce and I think that most people agree that growing up in a married household is better for children.  With that said, it’s not healthy for anyone to live in an abusive or horribly unhappy household.

From what I could tell, this wife’s marriage wasn’t abusive or destructive.  It had just gone stale.  Neither spouse prioritized the relationship anymore and the result of this neglect was two people who were understandably very happy.

Unhappy And Stale Marriages Do Turn Around:  I have seen many marriages like this one come back to life with some attention and with sheer will.  I’m not going to tell you that this is an easy or quick process.  It does take work.  It takes time.  And it takes determination.  But I am living proof that even marriages which have gone far south can vastly improve so much that they no longer resemble what they once were.

The Longer Your Marriage Has Been In Trouble, The Harder You Will Have To Work And The More Patient You Will Have To Be:  As I’ve already alluded to, you will often need to have some determination and patience in order to have success, especially if your marriage has been stale for a while.  You can’t expect to miraculously fix things overnight.  It’s taken a while for things to go off track, so it is going to take a while to fix things.

With this said, you have to be very willing to look at things in new ways, to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and to be willing to see your spouse in a fair and positive way.  This isn’t always comfortable and sometimes you will feel as if you are just wasting your time.

But if you’re willing to have some faith, then the payoff is definitely there.  And I felt that there was a chance for this couple.  How did I know? Because when this wife described her husband and her marriage, she still had strong feelings.  She wasn’t yet indifferent.  She still cared enough to be frustrated and she could still remember the young man she once loved.  This alone gives you at least something to get started with.

Don’t be afraid to take action when you see things that are no longer working.  Don’t be afraid to shake things up.  This wife admitted that she and her husband had fallen into a rut.  They followed the same old patterns that now bored them both.  So they would both have to step outside of their comfort zones in order to shake things up.  But if they were willing to try this, the payoff could be great.

Don’t give up on your marriage until you give it a fair chance.  Everyone deserves a happy marriage.  Your marriage affects every aspect of your life.  And you were put on this earth to contribute and make your unique mark.  You can’t freely do this if some parts of your life are weighing you down.

The good news is that if your spouse is also unhappy, then they should be motivated to work with you to make things right again.  So to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that even bad marriages are worth saving, except in cases of abuse or when the marriage is destructive or is unhealthy.  But getting in a rut of “falling out of love” doesn’t fall into either of those categories and can be fixed.

I am living proof of this.  My marriage got so frustrating for my husband that he left and nearly divorced me.  But I was able to learn new skills and rebuild the marriage that my husband felt was definitely over.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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