My Husband Has Changed And I No Longer Feel The Same Way About Him
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are concerned about the changes that they are witnessing in their husbands. Unfortunately, these changes often affect the way that the wife feels about her husband and about her marriage.
One might explain: “my husband as he is today is unrecognizable to me. He is not the man I married. When I met my husband, he was a loving, laid back person who enjoyed his family and the simple things in life. We met in college and it seemed that we always had plenty of time to spend together. He made me his highest priority and I did the same. When we got married, money was very tight as my husband was in graduate school and I supported us both. At the time, we felt that we were really struggling but when I look back on that time now, I see that it was the happiest time of our marriage. We would keep the nights unscheduled so that we could just spend time with one another. Even when our children were born, we loved walking to parks after dinner and just savoring family time. This is the man I loved, but my husband isn’t that man anymore. Today, he’s a very successful executive and I am proud of his accomplishments. And, his success means that I can stay home with our children. But he no longer seems to value family the way that he once did. He’s in the office constantly. I don’t even think he could tell you my children’s teacher’s names. He’s not involved in the small details of their lives. My husband’s commitment to us was what I loved the most about him. But now we come second. He’s impatient. He’s abrupt and his life is always about making his clients happy. He’s not the soft-spoken, calm and loving guy I fell for. What can I do? I don’t like the person he’s become. If I met him like he is today, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.”
Know That Your Husband Might See It Differently: This is a very common and legitimate complaint. Interestingly enough, Men on the other side of this scenario and they will tell you that working and providing for their family is their way of showing love. They will also often tell you that they feel a great deal of pressure and stress at being solely responsible for the family’s financial well being, especially in today’s economy. If you spend some time talking to these husbands, they do appear extremely sincere. They often aren’t aware of how much their absence is hurting their family. And usually, they are feeling pressure from both sides. Their family wants them home more. But their office wants them to work more. And the office signs their paychecks. So they can feel as if they are getting pulled in different directions. The good news is that often a compromise can be made. I’ll discuss this more below.
Find Ways For You Both To Give A Little Bit In Order To Get A Lot Of Relief: Husbands are usually resistant to drastically cutting down their workload because they fear retaliation at the office or they worry about being passed over for promotions. So asking him to be home much more is probably not the best first demand to make. Usually, you will have more success if you can ease him into it. At first, you might have more luck if you ask him to give you a certain amount of his undivided attention each week. How you phrase this request is vitally important. You have to be very careful that you don’t sound like you’re accusing him of being a bad father or husband. Although his shortcomings may be undeniable, he isn’t going to motivated to do better if he feels as if he’s being punished or criticized. Instead, you want to inspire him to want to do better.
So, a suggested script might be something like: “is this a good time for us to talk? Do you have about ten minutes? I want to talk to you about spending more quality time with our family. The kids really miss you and your absence is affecting them. I know that you have work obligations and I’m not asking you to ignore them. But maybe we could agree that two nights per week, you would come right home from work and we could hit the park like we used to. We miss those carefree family outings so much. Our marriage and our family need that time. I feel like we’re not quite as close as we used to be and I think that more time together would help. I need to see more of that patient, loving man I adored. It’s hard for me to see him when you’re hurried and juggling work even when you’re home with us. Can we have just a couple of hours of your undivided attention per week? I promise you wouldn’t regret it.”
This really isn’t too much to ask and many husbands would agree. It’s important that you praise him when he does come through. It’s very important that he sees how much happier you are and how much these small efforts are paying off for all of you. And, when you do schedule these outings, may sure you choose things that allow him to be the gentle and loving man you know him to be. The park is a perfect choice, but also family amusement parts or special events would allow him to relax and to resort back to his true personality.
It’s important that you don’t ignore this. I didn’t take immediate action when I noticed my husband and I drifting apart. We eventually separated and almost divorced. Fixing the rift between us was more difficult than just dealing with the problem in the first place would have been. I did eventually save my marriage but I truly believe that our problems were avoidable. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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