Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are so frustrated with their marriages that they suspect that counseling might be the only thing that can save it.  Unfortunately, much of the time, the motivated spouse is the only one who thinks that counseling is a good idea.  Often, one spouse is enthusiastic about counseling and the other is not.  And, this leaves the enthusiastic spouse wondering if they should make the counseling mandatory in order to avoid a divorce.

One of these enthusiastic spouses might explain: “I am so fed up with my husband and with my marriage.  My husband is so condescending to me that I’m not sure if I want to be married to him anymore.  I stay at home with my children and it’s as if he thinks that this gives him the right to expect for me to be his hired assistant or housekeeper.  Staying home with the kids is work but he doesn’t see it that way.  He doesn’t feel as if he should help out with anything that involves the house or the children.  He treats me like an employee.  He doesn’t seem to respect or value me and I feel horribly resentful about this so we always end up fighting.  I actually stormed out last week and went to stay with a girlfriend, taking the kids with me.  This didn’t seem to phase my husband in the least.  I’ve been referred to a good counselor that I’d really like to consult to help us with our marriage.  But my husband doesn’t want to go.  He thinks it’s a waste of time and money.  At this point, if we don’t get some help, then I don’t want to participate in this marriage.  I believe the counselor could help us, but I don’t want to stay in my marriage as it is right now.  Should I give my husband an ultimatum to go to counseling or to accept a divorce?”

This wife’s frustration was very obvious.  She felt taken advantage of, disrespected, and unloved.  It was no wonder that she was motivated to try anything that might help.  So, I completely understand her mindset.  I too have made a last ditch effort to save my marriage, so I know that the situation that this wife was in was not a very fun place to be.  With that said, I also know from experience and research that ultimatums usually do not work as intended.  Not only that, but they bring about a lot of resentment, which is why I believe they should be a last resort.  I’ll explain this more in the following article.

Why I Believe Any Ultimatum Should Be The Last Resort:  If you’ve never seen a man who has been mandated to attend counseling, I can tell you that it is not a pretty sight.  Men are often resistant to counseling anyway.  But a man who is forced to go to counseling will usually sit there with his arms crossed and with his eyes on the floor.  He usually makes it quite clear that he does not want to be there and he will often be determined to participate very little and to listen even less.

If you are going to get the most out of counseling, you need to set it up so that your husband is a more than willing participant.  Granted, some husbands come to see that the counselor isn’t as bad as he expected in time, but I find that this is the exception rather than the rule.

Show Him What Is In It For Him To Go To Counseling: It is just human nature for people to be resistant to something which they believe will not benefit them.  Men will often tell you that counseling is a waste of time and money.  Most of the time, they really do believe this.  They aren’t just giving you an excuse.  Plus, they are afraid of feeling vulnerable in the counselor’s office.  They assume the worst.  They assume that they will be made out to be the bad guy or that they will be forced to talk about their deepest and most shameful and embarrassing feelings even if this isn’t the true reality.

The irony of all of this is that often, if he would just go and see for himself, he would find out that his assumptions aren’t true.  And I do understand that this is why ultimatums seem attractive at the time.  But, I believe that there is a better way.  I believe that if you play your cards right, you can get him there without having to threaten him.  And you do that by showing him what is in it for him.

You probably know what your husband’s currency is better than anyone.  I can tell you that many men respond to the possibility that your physical relationship could improve as the result of counseling.  So just one suggestion would be something like: “do you remember when things we so good between us when we were first married that we couldn’t keep our hands off each other?  Well, I want to have that again.  But right now, we’re not connecting physically because we are not connecting emotionally.  I need that emotional connection with you and I feel very confident that going to counseling will help us to get that back.  I’m only asking for you to commit to one session.  We can reevaluate after that.  But I truly feel that this will help us to have the relationship that we had in the beginning when we used to laugh endlessly and connect on multiple levels.”

In this way, you’re letting him see that the counseling will benefit him and that you’re willing to compromise.  This is much more likely to get him to go and to willingly participate than to give him an ultimatum.

Because frankly, that’s not much point to counseling if he’s going to sit there and be sullen and resentful.  He’s not going to listen or fully participate anyway.  But, if he feels that there is something in it for him, then he may well still be somewhat reluctant to go but at least he will be more open while he is there.

As I alluded to, my husband was extremely resistant to counseling.  I did initially seek help on my own and I also found some self help resources that I found quite helpful.  It might help to know that even with this resistance, we did eventually save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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