Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: Many people are doing everything within their power in order to get their spouse to reconcile with them or to return back home after a marital separation. Often, their spouses do not openly refuse them. Instead, they are sometimes honest about the fact that they are either hesitant or unsure. This can be especially frustrating because you feel as if you are so close to reaching your goal, but that it is just outside of your reach.

A wife might have this scenario: “my husband moved out a couple of months ago because he has been unhappy in our marriage. I will admit that most of it is all my fault. I haven’t been the best wife to him. I have put my needs ahead of his own and I have done things behind his back that seemed harmless at the time but that has both hurt him deeply and have eroded the trust between us. While he was away, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and as a result, the relationship with my husband has improved. I am so grateful for this. We can now have a conversation without arguing and we have started to laugh together again, which is wonderful. However, the other day, I asked my husband if he would consider coming home so that we could work on reconciling. My husband was silent for a long time before he finally said that he was hesitant to reconcile right now because he still had some doubts. He said that he likes the way that things are going between us but he’s just not ready to make any promises to me right now. This hurts very much. I am sincere and I have changed. Why isn’t that good enough? I know that he loves me and I know that we’re good together. So what can I do to get him to reconcile with me?”

There is plenty that this wife could do to build upon the very positive foundation that was forming. But I felt very strongly that pushing too hard for a reconciliation when her husband was showing resistance was a potentially huge mistake. I believe that there’s a better (and less risky) way to go about this. I will discuss this more below.

Why Ruin The Positive Momentum You’ve Built By Pushing For Too Much Too Soon? I understood why this wife felt frustrated. I know from experience how much it hurts when you feel as if your husband is just days away from being yours again but you can’t seem to convince him to make that leap of faith. But, what you have to understand is that if you push too hard, you may just negate all of that wonderful progress that you have made. Clearly, this husband agreed that there was real progress. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be going out of his way to see his wife so much and he wouldn’t be reaching out to her in the way that he had been.

So, there was a lot to be encouraged about here. Which is why I believe that it’s vital that you don’t allow your impatience to drive you into pushing him too hard. Because if a reconciliation becomes more important to you than continuing to improve and build upon your relationship with him, then he may think that you care more about the status of your relationship than about the quality of it. And as a result, he may shut down, back off, or limit his access to you, which are the last things that you should want.

You Can Still Set It Up So That A Reconciliation Is More Likely Without Pushing For It: Nothing said that this wife couldn’t pick up exactly where she left off. Things were going well for this couple. So my suggestion would be a response like: “well, I’m a little disappointed because I miss you so much, but I understand. Things are going well between us and I don’t want to change that. I’m enjoying myself too much. So why don’t we just continue on the way that we are and have some more fun?”

It’s important that you seem very sincere in this and you keep things very light. The idea is that you pick right back up without even breaking a stride. Because frankly, if things continue to improve as they have been, the reconciliation will likely take care of itself on its own healthy time frame without your needing to worry about it or to push for it. So, there is no need to jeopardize your progress because you are impatient. I know that you miss your husband and want to him to come home and to be committed. But, know that if you play your cards right, this is going to naturally happen. So there is no need to jeopardize your progress by trying to impose your own time frame. Just continue to act as you have been so that he can see that this change is something that it is safe for him to believe in.

I know all of this because I have been there myself.  I pushed my husband when we were separated and this almost costs me my marriage.  Once I changed my strategy and changed my pace, I finally got the reconciliation that I so desperately wanted.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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