My Separated Husband Is Trying To Make Me Feel Guilty
By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are completely confused by their husband’s behavior. Often, he is the one who wanted or pushed for the separation. But now that it has happened, he is doing his best to make the wife feel bad about the situation that he himself wanted and created.
One of these wives might say: “my husband and I have been fighting for several months. I wanted to work things out and save our marriage but he wasn’t so sure. Over time, he started talking about moving out and separating. I tried to talk him out of it, but he seemed determined to have his way. He moved out a couple of weeks ago. And since that time, he’s done everything in his power to make me feel guilty. He tells me that he lives in a dump. He whines that he doesn’t see his children enough. He complains about how much he’s having to pay to live somewhere else. I feel bad about all of these things, but I’m not the one who wanted the separation. So I don’t feel that I have to apologize for his sad living conditions. And I don’t feel that I should have to beg him to come home either. He’s an adult and he has made his own decisions. But why would he try to make me feel guilty when he’s the one who wanted to separate in the first place?”
There are many reasons that a husband might elicit guilt during a separation. I will discuss some of them in the following article.
He Might Be Trying To Get You To Ask Him To Come Back: Sometimes, a man finds that the separation isn’t what he thought it was going to be. Rather than feeling free, he feels lonely. Rather than feel less obligation, he realizes that he’s paying for two homes. And he might find that he misses his wife and suspects that he made a drastic decision which he now regrets. But, rather than come clean about all of this, he figures it would be in his best interest to get you to ask him to come home. That way, he doesn’t look like he came crawling back and the power in the relationship remains with him.
Many wives are fine with this. They don’t mind being the one to ask him to come back because this is what they want anyway. But many are disappointed when he changes his mind or decides to play hard to get. Even if you are tempted to play along, realize that he may be playing mind games with you and things may not unfold as you hoped. That’s why I feel that it’s best to handle things honestly rather than to play games, but sometimes this is easier said than actually done.
He May Be Planning To Remain Gone Longer Than Anticipated And He’s Trying To Gain Your Sympathy Before He Reveals His Plan: Sometimes, your husband is tolerating (or even enjoying) the separation more than he is willing to let on. There are times when he may be planning something that would prolong the separation or would encompass something that you haven’t talked about or agreed upon. And he’s using guilt as a way to posture or to get into your good graces before he reveals this to you. Honestly, he may not even realize that he is doing this or it may not be intentional.
He May Just Be Feeling Sorry For Himself And Is Being Honest: Let’s face it. The separation probably isn’t a whole lot of fun for either of you. It’s very difficult to suddenly live somewhere else, apart from your children and your spouse. It’s a lonely, scary and odd time. I will admit that some people enjoy the sense of freedom and adventure, but many do not. And as a result, it’s just normal that he’s going to unload these negative feelings onto you because you are a part of them. He may not even be trying to get a reaction or sympathy, he may just be sharing this with you because you are the closest person to this situation.
How To Handle This: Despite what I’ve said above, I do know that this situation is difficult, frustrating, and a bit unfair. So, you would be well within your rights to bring it up and to try to resolve it. The next time your husband tries to make you feel guilty, you might respond with something like: “I hear what you are saying and I feel that way too. Without any doubt, this is a difficult time for both of us. But I think that it’s more productive for us to try to figure out a way to fix this than for us to assign any blame or to complain about how bad things are. Why don’t we try to talk about ways that we can fix this or at least make it more bearable?”
You’ll notice that I never brought up the fact that he’s out of line to try to elicit guilt when he’s the one who initiated the separation in the first place. Although this may be true, it doesn’t do anything to solve your problem and, if anything, it just creates more conflict. Instead, I focused on what I think is your best bet – which is working together to find a solution so that neither of you has anything to feel guilty about.
I will admit to trying to make my husband feel guilty while we were separated since he was the one who wanted it. This did nothing to solve our problems. In fact, it only made things worse. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to elicit negative feelings that I began to gain some ground. If it helps you can read about my marriage saving process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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