What Things Should I Change To Save My Marriage?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if they need to make drastic changes in order to save their marriage. Often, they are willing to do anything necessary if their husband would just give them some direction. Often, they find themselves guessing as to what changes would have the most impact on turning their marriage around. A wife might say: “my husband says that he is fed up with me and with the marriage. We fight all the time, mostly about money and the way that he never wants to spend any time with our family. I think that he would live in the office if I would let him. This has caused a great deal of conflict and I tend to just try to ignore the problem. I’ve started going out with my friends or I go shopping when I get frustrated. And then my husband gets more angry because of the bills. So it’s a horrible cycle. Last week, my husband told me that he was going to move out. He says our marriage is just a shell and that it’s obvious that neither of us are happy. I told him that I would make some serious changes if he would only stay. He hasn’t really responded with any definite answer. He hasn’t agreed, but he hasn’t said no either. At this point, I’m not sure what I should attempt to change. Obviously I know that I need to limit my spending. And I know that I need to be more pleasant. But I’m not sure that this is going to be enough.”
I could very much identify with this wife. When you are facing the potential end of your marriage, it can feel as if you need to make a drastic overhaul in every area of your life and in your marriage. But as tempting as this is, it can be the wrong call. Because if you try to change too many things, you may just overwhelm yourself and you may well become so scattered that none of your attempted changes actually stick. You are actually much better off evaluating the most damaging problems and making changes that you can actually accomplish in the long term. Because if you make initial changes and then do not stick with them, then you run a real risk of your husband becoming so frustrated with this process that he wants to give up.
First, Focus On Changing Your Own Mindset: I believe that the most important changes start with yourself. You have to really change the way that you view your marriage, yourself and how these things relate to your husband. It’s very normal to panic in this situation. You feel as if you need to do something very drastic almost immediately. But, while this mindset is absolutely normal and almost universal, it is often the worst mindset that you could possibly have. Your goal should be to be as calm and deliberate as is possible right now. Panicked behavior and decisions usually do more harm than good. Often, you actually appear almost desperate and out of control and this makes you seem a little less sincere and desirable at a time when you can’t afford for this to happen.
So instead of thinking “what am I going to do because time is running out?” You need to think thoughts like: “I have an opportunity to make very measured changes that are going to improve our lives. I have an opportunity to change the things that are detracting from our lives and remove them once and for all so that they are no longer hurting the people that I love, including myself.”
In short, you need to see this as an opportunity rather than a chore which must be performed quickly at any of all costs. You want to take this opportunity to hone your patience, your sincerity, and your ability to reach out to and read your partner. I promise you that if you can successfully change your mindset, you will also see a change in the way that your husband sees this. You don’t want to give off panic and make it appear that this whole process is a chore in which the winner takes all. You want to give off the vibe that you see this an opportunity that is going to turn out very positively for both of you. You want to understand that this is your marriage you’re dealing with, which is the most important relationship of your life. And, you want to realize that this is your husband, who is your life partner and not your adversary.
Define Those Changes That Will Both Have A Big Impact And Be Sustainable: As I have alluded to, I firmly believe that changing your mindset is the first step to changing your behaviors. However, it’s also important to change those things that are most damaging to your marriage. In this case, it was the spending and the isolation. Neither spouse was communicating or reaching out to one another as problems arose. Therefore, things just continued to deteriorate and the resentment continued to build. Working with her husband to come to a budget was a very sustainable change. And vowing to reach out to one another instead of striking out will help to stop problems before they start. My best advice is to start small. Chose the things that are most problematic to your marriage and start there. Once you’ve mastered those things, move onto something else. Keep going until your marriage is where you want it to be.
People often ask me if they should involve their spouse in the process or tell their spouse which changes they intend to make. This will depend upon the situation and the degree to which your spouse will cooperate. But know that, at least in my opinion, it’s just as effective to start with changes that you can make on your own. So to answer the question posed, you should often change your mindset and your approach to begin. After that, you should choose issues that are the most problematic coupled with changes that you can actually sustain.
I attempted to change too many things too soon after my husband left and this nearly costs me my marriage. But it wasn’t until I changed my own mindset that I was able to make huge gains and eventually save my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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