Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives have been given the old “I’m confused” excuse by a husband who has just left or moved out.  Often, the wives are at a loss as to what he could possibly be confused about.  A wife might explain this type of situation: “last week, I came home and found a note on my dining room table.  It was from my husband and it said that he was leaving me because he was just ‘so confused right now.’   I called him up immediately and asked him what in the world he had to be confused about.  He said that I was well aware that our marriage had been struggling for some time.  He said that I was aware that he’s been unhappy.  And he said his confusion lies with what he wants to do moving forward.  He isn’t sure if it is possible to save our marriage or if he even wants to.  I am not sure if I buy this explanation.  To be quite honest, we have been struggling for years and it has never seemed to bother him before.  And now suddenly he is so ‘confused’ that he can no longer live under the same roof with me?  What do men really mean when they use their own confusion as their reason for leaving their wives?”

I actually hear from a lot of these husbands on my blog and I believe that I have a pretty good handle on their mindset.  So, in the following article, I will share with you what I believe that some men mean when they give you the old “I’m confused” excuse.

Sometimes, They Aren’t Confused At All.  They Are Just Trying To Ease Their Way Out Of The Marriage:  Before I get to the many legitimate reasons that men focus on their confusion when they leave their wives, I have to tell you that some men just use this as a convenient excuse.  Some men have already made up their minds to pursue a legal separation or a divorce long before they walk out the door.  And, for whatever reason,  he is holding off on making a very quick filing for divorce.  Instead, he somehow feels that it is better to sort of ease his way into it.  So moving out is his first step. And since he doesn’t want to tell you that his next step is likely going to be a separation or a divorce, he will go with the confusion excuse to buy himself a little time.  Now, having said that, not every man who uses this excuse ends up getting a divorce.  Some actually miss their wives, change their minds, and go back home.

He May Be Legitimately Confused About The Course Of Your Marriage Or What Is Necessary To Correct It:  Not all men are using this as an excuse.  Some are being quite sincere.  Some are torn about your marriage and just aren’t sure how to proceed.  And often, they feel as if taking some time for themselves is the best way to gain some clarity.  They will often tell you that it’s very hard to think about you or the marriage clearly when you are living together and interacting every day.

Many wives ask me which questions the husband is most likely to ponder while he is away.  In my opinion, they are these questions:

1. What are the biggest problems in my marriage?

2.  Are these problems deal breakers or can we work through them?

3.   If the problems can be worked through, what is it going to take to be successful?

4.  Considering the way that I feel about my wife and my marriage, is it going to be worth it to go through all the time or effort to try to save my marriage?

5.  Is my wife willing to work with me? and

6.  Would I be better off or happier remaining married or calling it quits?

These are just brief examples of common questions.  This is by no means an exhaustive list.  Your situation may offer a unique problem that makes up the bulk of your husband’s questions or confusion. But in general, he is trying to evaluate what he feels, what the problems are if the problems are fixable, and if it is even worth it to try to fix them.  So what does all of this mean to you?

What To Take Away From All Of This:  What I’d like for you to take from this article is that the way that you interact with your husband is so important right now.  While he is trying to sort through these confused feelings, he is going to consider how you are getting along right now.  So, if the two of you are fighting or if you are very sarcastically asking him what on earth he has to be confused about, then this is going to weigh heavily on his thoughts in a negative way.  If you are invested in saving your marriage, this is probably the last thing that you want.  Instead, you want for him to think of you very favorably while he is away.

You have every right to be frustrated with him right now and to want answers, but if you lean on him too hard or speak too harshly, then he is going to want to avoid you.  And this is going to make it less likely that you can save your marriage.  Try very hard to be as agreeable and as cooperative as possible.  If you can swing it, make him believe that you really want for him to take this time to become clear in his own mind.  Because if he can see you as his ally, that is half the battle.

My husband gave me the “I’m confused” excuse and I didn’t handle it very well.  In fact, I handled it so poorly that we eventually separated.  However, I educated myself on what works and what doesn’t when you are trying to save your marriage.  And I came up with a successful plan that did help me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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