My Husband Is Happy We Are Separating. How Will We Not End Up Divorced?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are bothered by their husband’s emotions as the couple is getting ready to separate. The wives often hope that they will see some sadness, regret, or hesitation as the trial or marital separation is approaching. But, many are very upset to find that they are seeing just the opposite. Many notice that their husband seems very happy or worse, he freely tells them how happy he is that the separation is upcoming.
One might say: “I have fought this separation for weeks but my husband insists that he is not happy and isn’t going to settle for anything other than us living apart until we can decide what is best for us and our marriage. The fact that he plans to move out is bad enough, but he freely admits that he is happy and looking forward to being on our own. He talks about the separation as though it’s a glamorous vacation that he’s getting ready to embark upon. His excitement is obvious. I’m worried that if he’s so happy to be rid of me, then how in the world am I going to avoid a divorce. If he’s happy to be separating then I’ll bet he will throw a huge party when he moves toward a divorce. This is so upsetting to me. I want to have faith that this process is going to work and that he will miss me so that we can eventually get back together. But his happiness is like a slap in the face. What now?”
Having been in this situation myself, I could identify. It’s normal to assume the worst because your marriage is likely the most important relationship in your life. It’s common for fear to take over rational thought and so the next course of action is to assume the worst. But I have to tell you that in my situation and in many others, the husband’s happiness eventually gave way to something else. He may very well think that he is getting ready to go on some grand adventure or will have the free time to have the reflection that he has been hoping for. Often though, the reality is a little different than what either party anticipated.
Sometimes, he will find that the separation has brought about loneliness instead of elation and isolation instead of reflection. And, if you are not able to delay or thwart the separation, the only way to find out how either of you is going to act is to wait and see without panicking. Often, if you are able to allow this to play out while working on your own plan to save your marriage, you will find that not only is his happiness short-lived, but things did not progress as you had feared.
The second point that I would like to make is that I believe that it is a huge mistake to not only assume but to mention a divorce. The wife in this scenario admitted that she would say things like “you’re going to divorce me, aren’t you?” Or “I know that the separation is just the first step in your plan to divorce me but to make it look like you didn’t act too quickly.” When you say things like this, you are making it seem as if a divorce is something that you expect. This can be a big mistake. Instead, you want to give the impression that you are expecting a good outcome because you trust that your husband is going to do the right thing. You want to make it clear that you believe that your love for one another will pull you through once you have the time to reflect.
There are many reasons for this, but one of the most important is that you don’t want to be so negative that your husband hesitates to spend time with you, reach out to you, or to be honest about his feelings. And you don’t want him to think that you have already accepted the possibility of a divorce so that things will be easier for him when he decides to begin that route. Instead, you want to set the tone of things actually improving. You want to make it clear that you expect that the separation will actually ultimately help matters. Nothing says you can’t meet his happiness with your own happiness. It will make you more accessible to him. It will make life more bearable. And it will make him wonder what is the source of your happiness so that he is more likely to stay close to you in order to find out.
I’m not saying that any of this is going to be absolutely easy. Separations can be difficult, but they can also be unavoidable when you have a husband who is determined to have one. In that situation, sometimes the best that you can do is to control how you act, respond, and present yourself once the separation takes place. Because if you have a firm handle on your emotions, your behaviors, and your actions, then you will have a much better chance of attracting him back to you when he’s not as happy as he might have hoped.
My husband seemed way too happy as our separation approached. This led me to panic and to act in ways that didn’t help matters at all. It wasn’t until I got control of my own behaviors and actions that things began to improve. I eventually came to realize that if I was going to avoid a divorce, I had to change course and no longer act on fear. I learned to be very deliberate with my actions. I learned to create mystery, and this made all the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
