Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from women who are very upset about how their husband is acting during a marital separation.  Often, their husband will attempt to distance themselves a bit or will act friendly but not loving.  In response, the wives will wonder if this means he’s beginning a new life without his wife and whether this means that their marriage is over.

A wife might say, in part: “my husband had been discussing us separating for a few months before I came home from work one day and found that he had left me.  He did leave a note telling me that he thought it would be easier on both of us if he left without a lot of discussion or fanfare.  He did tell me where he was staying and he did commit to keeping in contact.  But every time I call or see him, he acts like my friend and not my husband.  He acts cordial and relatively happy to see me, but he certainly keeps himself at a distance.  I am so confused when he acts like this.  Does this mean he just intends to be only my friend from now on? Should I confront him about this?  A friend of mine said I should be glad that he’s remaining friendly and should try to build on that.  Who is right?  What’s the best course of action going forward?”

I really felt this wives frustration because this is how I also felt when my husband and I were separated.  He was receptive enough to be friendly, but certainly not receptive enough to be loving.  And when I would bring this up, I would be met with questions like would I rather he be angry or rude?  It took me a while to realize that although our relationship wasn’t going how I wanted, at least we had a cordial relationship on which we could build.  I will elaborate further below.

It’s True That A Separated Husband Who Is Acting Friendly Is Better Than A Separated Husband Who Is Angry Or Combative:  This wife’s friend was correct in her assertion that things could always be worse.  I can tell you that I hear from so many separated wives who tell me that they have no idea where their husbands are living.  Or that their husband is either rude, mean, combative, or very distant to them.  I know that you want to feel like your husband’s wife and not his friend.   But remind yourself that if he is still giving you access to him and if you are relating to one another in a positive way, these are two huge assets that many separated wives just do not have.

Why Your Husband Might Be Acting This Way:  Many husbands will take a friendly but distant stance because they just aren’t sure what they want in the days and weeks ahead.  They are friendly because they want to maintain contact with their wife and they want to keep open the possibility of a reconciliation.  But they are acting like a friend rather than a lover because they don’t know where the relationship is going to lead and they don’t want to add any confusion into the mix. So they will try to make the best of things by remaining on friendly terms without making too much of a commitment until their feelings are more clear.

Don’t Push For Too Much Too Soon Or His Friendly Attitude May Quickly Change:  Quite understandably, many wives are not comfortable with this new situation and they want to feel like their husband’s wife again instead of his friend.  Many wives will attempt to confront him about his attitude.  Unfortunately, what can happen in this situation is that the husband may retreat because he’s just not ready to make a firm decision.  He figures if you are going to push him or try to make him feel guilty every time you speak or are together, then he will make sure that your communication is limited.  This will make it much harder for you to reconcile.

Have Patience, Remain Positive, And Focus On Your Own Happiness And Well Being:  Since it’s a fair assumption that your husband likely isn’t sure what he wants, it’s often best to try to be positive and patient.  This can be easier to accomplish if you keep yourself busy and try to focus on yourself and on what makes this period of time as bearable as is possible.  Remain in contact with friends and family who give you some comfort.  And know that you don’t always have to report back to your husband or to cater to his every whim.  Since he has taken the stance that you are friendly, then great, be friends.  You have other friends with whom you can also spend your time.  And don’t be surprised if you’re backing off just slightly suddenly makes him a little more interested in being more than your friend.  This is what happened in my case.  When I decided to give my husband the space he wanted, I was surprised that this actually made him interested in me again.

Please understand that I’m not suggesting that you see other people or play cruel mind games.  But I am suggesting that you follow his lead and keep things light-hearted and casual.  Often, just this little bit of backing off will make him wonder about the source behind your change in behavior.  And it may make him decide that he wants to be more than just friendly.

As I alluded to, as soon as I turned the tables on my husband just a little bit, he suddenly changed his stance on the whole friendship thing.  If it helps, you can read that whole story on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

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