Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely shocked and confused.  Often, they come home to find that their husband has left.  Or, without any explanation, he will just walk in the bedroom, pack his bag,  walk out the door, and leave the wife without ever looking back.   Many wives are reeling not just because their husband has left them, but because they don’t have any idea why he has left and when (or if) he’s going to come back.

One of the wives might say: “last Wednesday, I came home to find my husband in the bedroom packing his bags.  I actually think that he had planned to leave while I was at work, but I come home early that day and interrupted him.  I asked him what on earth he was doing and he simply said ‘I’m leaving you’ and walked past me, opened the front door, and left.  Needless to say, I tried to flag him down so we could talk, but he just drove away.  Then, he would not answer my calls or texts.  I have no idea where he even went.  I’ve tried calling his family and friends but they won’t take my calls either.   I truly did not see this coming.   Sure, we have minor problems in our marriage from time to time but I certainly didn’t think it was this bad.  What am I supposed to do now?  I don’t want to let my marriage go.  I want to know this instant why in the world he left me.  I deserve answers.  I want to know how he would do this.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Try To Focus More On How To Proceed Than On Finding The Answers That May Not Be Immediate:  Many wives in this scenario have one goal in mind.  They want to track him down and demand answers from him.  Many have no problem with a nasty confrontation designed to determine why in the world he would leave without any explanation at all.  In short, they are angry and their intention is to get answers by whatever means necessary.  But here’s the problem with that.  Often, you are so focused on getting answers that you miss the bigger issue.  And that issue is that your husband is gone.  Right now, the main goal should be coming up with a workable and successful plan to get him back in the right way.  This means that you will need to attempt to get him back in a way that is healthy, nondetrimental and actually increases the chances for your marriage to thrive and succeed once he comes home.

Don’t Panic.  Often, You Will Get Your Answers Without Needing To Do Something That You Regret:  I remember when I was in this situation.  I was so scared and so angry that my behaviors were ones that were sort of embarrassing and certainly not typical of me.   And when I was acting this way, I knew that I was out of control but, at the time, I couldn’t seem to reign myself in.  It’s so important that you do not allow yourself to become panicked or to exhibit behavior that is only going to make him want to get away that much more.  Often if you are patient and calm, the answers will come without your needing to try so very hard.  Not only that but when the answers do come, you will know that you didn’t make any unfortunate choices that are going to damage your relationship even more.  Usually, your husband will eventually calm down and will contact you.  This is the best scenario and so much preferable to your tracking him down by any means necessary.

Once You Make Contact, Approach Him In A Mature Way Meant To Solve Problems Rather Than To Create More:  I know how frustrated you are right now because I have been there myself.   I know that it’s very easy to become panicked.  Your feelings can be all over the place.  One second you may be furious at him, and the next second you may be willing to agree to almost anything (or willing to make any promise whatsoever) just to get him to come home.   But neither of these strategies make it more likely that you are going to have long-term success.  I know that it’s very easy to look at the short-term and to tell yourself that you will say or do anything to get him home, but this truly is so short-sighted.   Because what happens when he does come home and you don’t have a plan?  The chances are decent that whatever is making him unhappy eventually will do so once again and so eventually he will leave once again.

Instead, you want to identify and solve the problem so that you don’t have to constantly worry about his leaving.  What you want is to create a stronger marriage and a healthier bond so that you have long-term rather than short-term success.  That’s why it’s so important that you approach him as someone who is willing to compromise and work with him rather than someone who is angry with him and wants to strong-arm him into coming home at all costs no matter what it takes.

When my husband left, I made some very unfortunate choices that I had to work very hard to undo.  This almost cost me my marriage but eventually, I learned how to change course and make things better rather than worse.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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