Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I so often hear from wives who are confused by a husband who is telling them that thing aren’t good in their marriage, but who also isn’t specific as to what he wants to do about it. In other words, he will tell you that the marriage is no longer working for him, but he won’t tell you what might make it work to his liking. He will be infuriatingly wishy washy and nonspecific.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has been telling me for months that he isn’t happy. At first, I listened intently and tried to offer solutions. But nothing really changed and he kept on repeating how unhappy he was. Finally, I got tired of this and I asked him what he wanted to do. I asked him if he was thinking about a separation or divorce. He still won’t give me a straight answer. He tells me that he truly doesn’t know what he wants when it comes to our marriage. Where does that leave me? Am I just supposed to wait around until he figures it out and watch him mope around like he is?”  I’ll try to address these questions in the following article.

Don’t Act As If His Indecision Means That He Is Flawed: The first inclination that many people will have to this sort of situation is defensiveness. After all, when he’s telling you that he’s not happy with your marriage, it’s absolutely normal to be a bit hurt and a little offended. Because if he’s not happy with your marriage, that likely means that he’s not entirely happy with you. And that hurts. So it’s absolutely normal to feel defensive or to feel an urge to ask him what is wrong with him or why he has such impossible standards.

And you may well be justified in this, but it’s often a mistake, at least as far as he is concerned. Because once you begin to question him with a tone that says the problem is partly with him, then you risk him becoming defensive and pulling away from your marriage even more.
I know that it’s very tempting to be very angry at him and even place a lot of the blame on his indecision. But, if you are still invested in your marriage, consider trying to reign this in, at least when you are around him.

Placing the blame or allowing your frustration to be aimed solely at him doesn’t really help your marriage or your situation. In terms of success, you will often have a higher success rate if you appear sympathetic and patient, which leads me to my next point.

Try To Appear Sympathetic And Willing To Give Him The Space That He Needs (Within Limits): I know that it may seem as if I am asking a lot. But if he thinks that you are willing to give him what he needs to get through this, he’s going to be a lot more likely to see you and the marriage in a sympathetic way while he is trying to come to a decision. And this will make it more likely than when he does come to a decision as to what he wants, this decision is going to include you rather than a separation or divorce.   With that said, you don’t want to be overly accommodating or to give the impression that his needs or his life is more important than your own.  You don’t want for it to appear that you have nothing going on in your life except for waiting for him, which leads me to my next point.

Try To Create Mild Scarcity:  It’s just human nature for people to want things that they think might be hard to win.  So, if you are just sitting wringing your hands and constantly asking your husband what he has decided about your marriage, you’ve made it perfectly clear that the decision is solely his and that you are perfectly willing to yield to his wishes.  This is not creating that scarcity that I’m talking about.   I don’t mean that you take it over the top and play impossible to get.  But I would suggest that you keep busy and make it clear that although you are more than willing to be patient and supportive while he works things out, you’re not going to just idly sit around and put your life on hold while holding your breath.

This doesn’t mean that you should make threats or make him think that you could possibly see other people.  That’s probably taking it a bit too far.  But there is nothing wrong with staying busy and making it clear that you’re still living your life with dignity and respect.  Honestly, this will make you appear a lot more attractive because if it’s clear that the decision is solely his, he has no incentive to be in any hurry to make it.  An easy way to create this mild scarcity is to tell your husband that you support him in taking some time to think and that you’re going to be taking full advantage of this time for yourself as well.   You don’t have to say this in harsh terms.  Just remain upbeat and make sure he sees you pursuing your hobbies and visiting friends and family.  This shows him that you are a vibrant person who will probably attract someone else if he doesn’t make the right decision.  Plus, it’s less likely that he is going to choose favorably when you’re acting depressed, desperate and motivated by fear.

I didn’t really understand these principles when my husband wanted time to thing.  I turned up the pressure and this of course contributed to him leaning toward ending our marriage.  So, because of my desperation and lack of patience, I had a lot of catching up to do.  We did save our marriage, but it took a lot longer and required a lot more work.  That said, once I understood these principles, things changed dramatically and swiftly.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin