Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many women are desperately trying to change their husband’s mind about wanting a divorce.  Many have asked him to reconsider in a number of different ways, but they haven’t yet been successful.  As a result, many are looking for some strategy late in the game that will finally make him change his mind or reconsider.

Common comments are things like: “my husband told me last week that at some point soon, he was going to file for a divorce.  I begged him to reconsider.  I told him that we could clear our calendars and make our marriage our only priority.  I suggested we take some time off and get away together.  I promised that I would be a better wife and suggested that we focus on having more fun together or maybe consider counseling or a marital retreat.  He shot all of these suggestions down and told me that he was not going to reconsider no matter what I said or did.  So what can I do now?  Because part of me feels that anything that I try is going to fail anyway.  But another part of me just can’t accept that my marriage could be over.”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Since He’s Telling You Very Specifically He Won’t Reconsider, It Often Makes Sense To Redirect And To Stop Asking Him To Do Just That: Many wives will try to keep asking him to reconsider, but they will try to do it in different ways.  In other words, they will try different approaches and, although their behaviors and strategies might change, what they are asking of their husband isn’t changing at all.  They are usually still asking him to reconsider, change his mind, or call off a divorce.

The thing is, he’s already specifically told you that he isn’t going to do this.  So when you continue to do what he has specifically asked you not to do, this isn’t likely to earn you any positive points.  In fact, it’s not out of the question that he might want to go ahead with the divorce even more.

Sometimes, it helps to back off of the stance of asking him to reconsider.  Of course, you’re still going to want him to, but this doesn’t mean that you need to constantly say it when he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t intend to comply with your wishes. However, just because you are no longer asking him to reconsider the divorce, that certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not still moving forward with a plan.  You may just be going about it in a roundabout way which may not be so obvious to him, which leads me to my next point.

You Can Attempt To Get Him To Reconsider The Divorce Without Specifically Asking Him To Do So: Sometimes, it is helpful to do what your husband is not expecting.  Because of your past behavior, he is likely expecting you to continue to make promises, to offer compromises, or to try to talk your way into getting what you want.  And, as the result, he is likely to brace himself for these things and is anticipating thwarting you every chance he gets.

So sometimes, you have to come at him in a different way than he’s expecting.   Once you stop asking him to reconsider, he may well ask you about your change of heart.  Your answer might be something like:  “You made it very clear that you won’t reconsider.  What choice do I have but to respect that?  My hope would be that, over time, our relationship will improve, no matter how our relationship is classified.  In the meantime, I have plenty of work to do on myself.  I hope that things change for us, but until they do, you’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to reconsider.  If you change your mind, you know that I’d be more than happy to move forward then.”

A strategy like this does a couple of things for you.  It takes the pressure off.   It places you in a better position.  And it will often make your husband wonder why you are backing off (which in turn can generate some interest from him.)  And often, as a result of all of these things, he will no longer be so intent on disagreeing with you. Many wives are afraid this strategy means that you are giving up.  I totally disagree with that assumption.  You haven’t given up.  You have only stopped saying the words he has already told you that he is going to outright reject.

You will likely still be trying to get him to reconsider, but you will now be doing this with your actions instead of your words.  You will be hoping that your behaviors and your ability to get along increasingly better with him are going to be the things that change his mind.  During this process, it’s very important that you present yourself in the most positive way as is possible.

You may well feel full of anxiety and afraid, but try to make sure that your outward appearance doesn’t show this.  You want to have a quiet confidence that everything is going to work out as it’s supposed to and you want to be approachable and easy to be around.  This will ensure that you and your husband begin to get along much better and will, in turn, will increase your chances of him changing his mind further around the road.

Does this strategy mean that you may have to wait a little longer to get what you want?  It might.  But I believe that it gives you a higher likelihood of success.  And if you keep right on trying to convince him to reconsider with your words, you’re only throwing more of the same at the problem.  In short, you are repeating a strategy that has already been proven not to work.  It just doesn’t make sense to continue on in the same path.

So to answer the question posed, in my opinion, when your husband refuses to reconsider wanting a divorce, it’s best to stop asking him to.  You can try to get him to change his mind with patience and with new behaviors instead of new words.

I can’t express how many different strategies I used to get my husband to reconsider a separation or a divorce.  And I only dug a deeper hole for myself.  Because the more I asked, the more my husband refused.  It wasn’t until I came at him in a completely different way that I gained some ground.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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