I’m Worried My Husband Will Move On During Our Trial Separation?
By: Leslie Cane: Many wives see a trial separation not as an opportunity, but as a risk. They worry that their husband is just using the separation as an opportunity to eventually get a divorce or to move on from their marriage.
As an example, a wife said: “my husband has been pushing for a trial separation for months. And since he made this suggestion, things have deteriorated between us. I have directly asked him if he’s using this separation as an excuse to start living as a single person. I’ve asked him if he intends to start seeing other women and to move on with his life. He says that at this point, he is not sure. He says there is a difference between being happily married and separated and that he plans to live his life as a separated man and then evaluate how that feels to him or if it makes him happy. To me, this means that he plans to move on as soon as possible. My husband says I shouldn’t make these assumptions. But how can I not? What do I do with all of these fears that I have? It affects how I’m interacting with my husband.”
Having been in this situation myself, I know that people will tell you that you shouldn’t worry so much or that your anxiety is going to hurt your cause. But of course, this is easy for them to say. I know how this feels and it’s very difficult. On the one hand, you feel as if you can’t afford to let him walk out the door. But on the other, you know that you must. But you do it with a heavy heart because you know that he may not ever come back. This leaves you with the option of trying to set it up so you have the best chance of him not moving on. I will discuss how to do this in the following article.
Don’t Allow Your Anxiety To Make It More Likely That He Will Want To Move On. Don’t Push Him Away: One thing you need to understand is that ultimately if your husband feels in his heart that he wants to move on, he may act on this no matter what you say or do. While it’s possible to delay him actually moving on, the truth is that if he really wants to, he eventually probably will. It can be very hard to ignore what your heart and your gut are telling you to do forever.
So the real key for you is to try to set it up so that his heart is NOT telling him to move on. And, when you’re constantly saying things like: “are you using this separation as an excuse to move on?” Or, “you’re going to move on, aren’t you?” then you actually make these things more likely. I know that you feel very anxious and I understand why you do. But, be very conscious of not allowing your anxiety to fuel your responses and your behaviors. As difficult as it may be, if you act as if you are confident that he will remain committed to you during the trial separation, then you make it more likely that he actually will be.
When you feel your anxieties running away from you, remove yourself from the situation and do whatever it takes to calm down. Journal, do yoga, burn candles. Only you know what is most likely to help you cut back on your stress, but make sure that you are as calm as possible when you interact with your husband.
Understand That Your Interactions With Your Husband During The Separation Are Going To Influence Whether He Moves On Or Not: Here is another thing to remember. When you are separated, your husband is either going to think of you positively or negatively. The more negatively he thinks of you, the more likely it becomes that he is going to want to move on. So you need to do everything in your power to make sure that he thinks of you positively and wants to spend more time with you. Sometimes, this means backing off a little bit to allow him to miss you, to wonder about you, and to wish that things were different between you.
However, if you come on too strongly, constantly question your husband or make accusations that he’s looking for excuses to move on, then he’s less likely to miss you and he’s more motivated to move on as a means to get further away from you to escape the drama. To that end, you want to make sure that you are easy to approach and interact with. You want to be friendly and open. I know that I’m asking a lot because sometimes, friendly and open is hard to pull off and when you’re fearful and alone. But it’s very important that make every attempt to show your husband that wonderful, playful woman that he fell in love with. Because, to a certain extent, he needs to fall in love with her again. Or at least he needs to be open to the idea that the love for her can return. Because once it does, he is much less likely to want to move on because he knows that there is something, and someone, worthwhile to return home to.
Believe me when I say that I worried A LOT about whether my husband would move on or not when we were separated. And, I think that there was a period of time when he was very close to doing so. Luckily, I stumbled onto a few things that worked to strengthen our relationship during the separation so that he didn’t need or want to move on. If it helps, you can read about the strategies that worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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