Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people have a hard time giving up on or letting go of their husbands. This can be true even if a separation or divorce is imminent or is actually happening. And when I get these types of correspondence, it always brings back memories for me because I was in this situation, looking at a husband who I knew didn’t want to be with me when I knew in my heart that I never, ever wanted to be without him.

Someone might explain: “My husband asked for separation about six months ago. At first, I hoped that this would just be a temporary situation and that he would decide to come back within a few weeks or at most a few months. But, actually, things got worse. He started becoming more and more distant and he answered my calls less and less. Then a few weeks ago, he told me that he was seeking a divorce. So, now it’s pretty clear that he is asking me to let him go on a permanent level. I am not sure that I can do that. Intellectually, I know that he can file papers to end our marriage and that will mean that we are no longer legally married and that I have no claim to him. But, in my heart, I feel like he will always be mine and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to let him go. My friends say that none of this is fair to me. They say that if he doesn’t want me, the best thing that I can do is to find someone who does. I understand why they are concerned. And I know that they are right. So why can’t I let go of my husband?”

This sentiment brought back so many memories for me. I sometimes think that people have the mistaken conception that you if you just decide to let your husband or your marriage go or you try hard enough, then this is all that is needed. Things just aren’t that simple when you are talking about love and the person who you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Still, there are some common reasons that you might be having trouble letting him go. I will list some of them below.

It’s Too Soon: Sometimes people expect too much of themselves far too soon. It had only been a couple of months after the separation and a couple of weeks after the husband announced that he wanted a divorce. The wife hadn’t had a lot of time to process this, much less to grieve. Accept that this is a process that very well may take some time. Sometimes, things don’t progress as fast as you might like, but don’t beat yourself up for this.

There is no set timeline on letting go. And quite frankly, if I hadn’t saved my marriage, I have no problem admitting that I might never have let my husband go. I would’ve had to move on and I am confident I would have done just that. But moving on and letting go are two different things.

He’s Sending Mixed Or Confusing Signals That Give You Hope: Many times when wives tell me that they can’t let go, one of the reasons that this is the case is because the husband is sending mixed signals, whether he intends to or not. In this case, the wife admitted that a few weeks before he asked for a divorce, she and her husband had gone out and exchanged some flirtatious behavior. Of course, the wife got her hopes up that this new interest would lead to them getting back together. And she was confused as to how he could just turn his feelings off and on. Often, wives who can’t let go see and hear contradictions that make them question what their husband is truly feeling or what he really wants. And they are left thinking that if the feelings are there, why can’t the marriage be there too? This leads me to my next point.

You Worry That There Are Things You Didn’t Say Or Try That Might Have Made A Difference In Saving Your Marriage: Sometimes, when wives have a hard time letting their husband or their marriage go, it’s because, deep in their hearts, they worry that there is a door that remained unopened. In other words, they worry that they didn’t try every single thing that might have worked, or that they didn’t do everything in their power to save their marriage. Maybe they were afraid of rejection or of looking stupid, so they kept quiet when they should have said something. Or maybe they haven’t yet tried counseling. Or maybe they waited for their husband to make the first move when they themselves should have taken a chance. Whatever the specific reason, many wives can’t let go because they still have doubts and regret that they didn’t pull out all the stops. So they are left wondering “what if” and this can make closure quite difficult.

So what happens if you find yourself in this situation? Well, you have a choice. You can attempt to right these wrongs and say or do what you need to say or do today.  Or you can call it a day and move on.  I can’t promise you that speaking up will make any difference in your situation or might save your marriage. But, you will never know unless you try. And once you do, at least you will know that you did everything that you could and this might help you with closure.

I’d like to make one last point. Frankly, nothing says that you have to let him go. There’s no law against holding on in your own heart. Yes, for your own well being and health, you’ll want to move on when the time is right. But in your own heart, there might still be a place for him and I think that this is OK, as long as this doesn’t keep you from living your life.

In my own case, I’m actually glad I didn’t give up on my husband because it meant that much later, I was able to save my marriage. But even if this would not have been possible, there would have always been a place in my heart for him. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin