Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: To this day, several years later, I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I remember back to the day that my husband sat me down and told me that he “wanted out.” Yes, there were plenty of warning signs that I either ignored or justified, but the feelings of shock, helplessness, and despair have not been forgotten.

Being told that your husband wants out can change life as you know it and will compromise your place and power in the marriage. This is a very difficult situation to navigate. In a sense, you’ve lost your footing, he’s likely made up his mind and is hesitant to listen to you, and you’ll also likely have less access to him with which to work.

So, without a doubt, you’re the odd man out and are the one on the opposite side of the fence looking in. This feels like an awful and desperate situation — and it’s all too easy to allow this scenario to make you feel petrified, desperate, and angry. These feelings can sometimes cloud your judgments or drive actions that are only going to make the situation worse. Certainly, you’re navigating a slippery slope, but know too that all hope is not lost.

You can turn this situation around if you play your cards right. You just need to understand the reality of the situation to take action to genuinely change things, which I will discuss below.

No Matter What Your Husband Says, There Is One Reason He Wants Out: Husbands and married couples will often offer up so many external reasons that the marriage is ending. Sex, money problems, infidelity, and “falling out of love” top the list. These things ARE symptoms of what is going on underneath the surface. But, the real core of the problem is almost always that intimacy, empathy, and affection have been diminished or lost.

Think about this. A couple who just got married and are deeply in love will likely easily work through and quickly brush off problems similar to what you are struggling with now. People who are deeply committed and deeply in love see no reason to ruin a great thing with drama and fighting. They’d rather concentrate on generating more of the good feelings between them.

So, in reality, your first goal is to restore feelings of compassion, affection, commitment, and empathy. This sounds like a tall order, I know. But, think back to what created these feelings in the first place, which brings me to…..

Focusing On What Remains Rather Than On What Is Missing: Speaking of remembering the initial feelings between you, I want you to think about what generated them. Of course, this is individual with every couple, and some people will make the mistake of answering “chemistry” or “passion,” but take a look at the lasting attributes and you’ll often find that the amount of attention, care, and nurturing that you put in the relationship was reflected back in its intensity.

You used to care deeply about his happiness, how his day went, how you could lighten his load or brighten his day, and you probably talked easily for hours and deeply understood what drove and motivated the other. All of these things take time and commitment to work, but the result is outstanding.

But, as our obligations ratchet up their place in our lives, providing this kind of attention and care becomes more and more challenging. We know that our spouses see our struggles and understand this, but this doesn’t diminish this neglect’s effect on our marriage. I don’t tell you this to place any blame. Instead, I want you to see clearly that what you have on your hands is a lack of bonded intimacy which was built on a lack of time time, and attention, in most cases.

The good news about this is that if you can change course knowing what you know now, it can have a lasting difference. However, I know that you may be thinking “Well, it’s too late now. He wants out, so this is too little, too late.” Not so fast. You’re both still present and one of you is willing to do the work necessary to save the marriage. In truth, that’s all that is required, so let’s get to turning this boat around.

Getting A Second Chance Even Though He Wants Out: Let’s not even question the fact that he wants out. It’s a given even though it’s probably based on the incorrect notion that it’s too late to change things in your marriage (it’s not too late.) So, don’t make the mistake of trying to debate with him, change his mind, or tell him why he is wrong. This is only going to create animosity and encourage him to dig in his heels.

Instead, tell him that he is right. That there are serious problems in the marriage and you understand his wanting to distance himself from the situation. Tell him that he knows you’d like to save the marriage, but you can only control your own feelings and actions. 

So, from this day on, you’re only going to focus on creating positive interactions between you. After all, you both deserve to be happy and you know that the two of you can get along fabulously, even if you part as friends. Moreover, it bothers you that two people who loved each other very much are now so distant. So, divorce or no divorce, you’re just going to work on getting along and being on your best behavior so that you can both be proud of the way this went down.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is just letting him win. It’s truly not. It’s disarming him so that you can start to have more access and his neutral attention. It’s calling a truce so that once the tension calms down, you have access to the negotiating table.

However, there are several things you must remember with this plan. First, you have to always behave as you promised you were going to. Second, you must always portray the best version of yourself – you want your husband to see the woman he first fell in love with. So, you’re going to get dressed up, put a smile on your face, and put yourself out there as a strong, upbeat, exciting woman who respects herself enough to stand tall.

Finally, this plan almost always works as planned if you play it correctly. But, the biggest mistake that causes it to come crashing down is a wife who moves too fast. A common scenario is that the husband begins to become intrigued and responsive and then you tip your hand by then getting all excited and wanting reassurance and commitment. Understand that you need to move at a snail’s pace here.

You want your husband to be the one who is wanting more. So don’t display a woman who is ultimately just trying to trick him into a commitment again. Really take the time to, little by little, continue to generate positive feelings and experiences and watch as your relationship slowly rebounds over time, so that eventually you are back on solid ground with both of you fully committed, without feeling resentment or that one of you has tricked the other.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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