Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: People sometimes tell me that they are concerned because their marriage feels “forced.” Sometimes, they have been trying to save their marriage, or have been fighting a lot, or have an issue that they’ve been struggling to work through. As a result, sometimes they’re navigating difficult situations that bring about awkward situations. Sometimes, as a result, they hold back, overcompensate, or bite their tongue. This can lead to some of those “forced feelings” we’re going to talk about.

A wife can explain: “my husband and I rarely fight. Sometimes I think that this is part of our problem. Over the last year, our marriage has taken a definite turn for the worst. It’s not like we are fighting or we hate each other. But the chemistry isn’t there anymore. It almost feels as if we are strangers. When we do try to discuss our marriage or what’s wrong with it, then things can become uncomfortable, so we just sort of go through the motions and go on with our day to day lives. But our marriage feels forced and also a little like a fraud. It’s like we’re two acquaintances going out of their way to be nice to one another just for the sake of it. It’s not an intimate relationship between soul mates. It’s a stalemate between two people who have no idea where their marriage is going, but who don’t want to rock the boat. What does this forced feeling mean? Is my marriage in trouble? Is it over? What can I do about this?”

In the following article, I’ll discuss what it means when or if your marriage feels forced and what you can do about it.

Some Reasons Your Marriage Might Feel Forced: There are a couple of common reasons that your marriage might be forced. One reason is that you are tiptoeing around issues or a distance in your marriage. And you’re afraid that discussing it or arguing over it is going to cause more pain and turmoil so you overcompensate or try to avoid it. The effort of all of this and the frustration that nothing is being resolved can cause that awkward feeling.

Another option is that sometimes, people do not want to admit that there is a problem in their marriage. They don’t want to face the fact that there are issues or changing, shifting feelings or whatever the case may be. So you pretend that everything is fine and you go out of your way to paint a very different picture than the one that you are feeling inside. Again, the result is the feeling that things are fraudulent, awkward, or forced.

Finally, sometimes you see people who know that their marriage is in real trouble. Sometimes they have talked about taking a break or have even separated. In short, they know that they are treading on shaky ground. And they very much want to save their marriage, so they put on a happy face to avoid rocking the boat so much so that their marriage becomes damaged even more.

What You Can Do If Your Marriage Feels Forced: If you can, try to figure out which scenario most applies to you to determine what might be the case of this. If you are tiptoeing around an issue at the expense of the intimacy in your marriage, then maybe it is time to have an honest but loving conversation. If you are struggling with changing feelings or circumstances within your marriage, it’s almost always better to go ahead and address them rather than pretending that they don’t exist. I learned this the hard way.

And if you have strong feelings that you are pushing your troublesome feelings down, consider releasing them in some way. Feeling trapped or unable to express yourself in your marriage could potentially weaken the marriage more than being frank and honest ever could.

I understand not wanting to rock the boat, put your marriage at risk, or admit that the feelings aren’t flowing freely, but living in a forced and nonspontaneous marriage isn’t healthy or fun either. Speaking of spontaneity, one way to improve this situation is to bring the fun and unplanned back into your marriage. Joke, have fun and play. Work on getting the intimacy and the spontaneity back in ways that feel natural and effortless. Although you will likely need to eventually work on your problems, you don’t have to do this so much that the marriage feels heavy. Give yourself permission to be playful and have fun. Because this is the first step toward improving the feeling that your marriage is forced.

Here’s something that you can do today. Every time you notice that things feel a little stiff or awkward, make a conscious effort to either lighten the mood or say (lovingly or positively) what is really on your mind.

My husband told me that “things felt forced” in our marriage long before he asked for a separation. I wish I had listened and taken him more seriously. Once I did, I tried to overcompensate and take things to the other extreme, but it made things worse. Eventually, I learned that virtuously every aspect of your marriage can affect how you relate to your spouse and how you feel around them. And this was the beginning of my turning things around. Feeling free and spontaneous is no longer a problem for us and our marriage is back on solid ground. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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