Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who ask me if they can give me their martial circumstances in order to get my opinion on whether or not their marriage can be saved. I hear of all sorts of situations – from a divorce being imminent, to a husband who is already involved with someone else, or infidelity so severe that the husband has had a baby with the other woman. And sometimes, one spouse is giving the other almost no hope at all that the marriage can ever be saved. It can get very discouraging and many people start to wonder if their marriage is just at the point where it can not be saved because it has reached the point of no return.

I recently heard from a wife who said: “my husband has filed for divorce and it is set to be final at the end of next week. He insists that he has moved on and that he is dating a woman who he says he might be serious about one day. This rips my heart in two because I still very much want to save my marriage. But people who care about me tell me that I am stupid to hold out hope. They tell me to open my eyes because my marriage can not possibly be saved. When can a marriage not be saved? When has it reached the point of no return?”

I have to disclose that I might be the wrong person for the question, at least in the eyes of some, because I’m not very objective on this topic. I was so stubborn about giving up on my marriage that I know my friends were truly worried about me. But in the end, I did get my husband back. I have seen marriages be saved from the brink of and even after divorce. I’ve seen people get back together when they swore that hated one another worse than anyone else alive. I’ve seen the husband leave the other woman who he swore was “the one” once he finally came back to his senses and returned to his wife. So admittedly, there are very few marriages that I think can not be saved. But below, I’ll tell you when I think it’s very tough to save a marriage (and also when it’s next to impossible.)

It Can Be More Difficult To Save Your Marriage When Your Spouse Is Indifferent, Emotionally Distant, Or Believes That They Have “Moved On”: Sometimes, you are dealing with someone who truly believes that the marriage has long been over. And when they express this, they’re almost devoid of emotion because for them, the time to be emotional has long sense been over. There’s little emotional turmoil left for them because they either feel that the marriage reached it’s natural end, or at the very least, they believe that they did everything in their power to save it.

They aren’t angry. They aren’t indignant. But they are often very indifferent. It’s not going to make them jealous if you go out with someone else, because in their minds and in their hearts, the marriage is no longer something that they are truly a part of anymore.

That’s why when people tell me that their spouse is spewing hateful words and phrases at them or even saying or doing mean things, I don’t necessarily jump to the conclusion that this is a bad thing. Although I certainly don’t condone negative behavior, saying hurtful things, or fighting for the sake of it, sometimes the presence of strong emotions can be indicative of a person who still cares enough to feel emotion. I would always rather see extreme anger than quiet indifference. And by saying that, I don’t mean to imply that an indifferent marriage or spouse is the point of no return. This isn’t always the case, but it is more difficult to save a marriage with an indifferent spouse.

Another difficulty is when your spouse has changed so profoundly that you’re no longer on a familiar playing field. Sometimes you see this with a spouse who is ill or has undergone some drastic changes in their life that has affected them on a deep emotional or even a physical level. As a result, they have profoundly changed from the inside out and so reaching them is going to be more difficult for you because you are in uncharted waters. This too doesn’t mean that the marriage can not be saved. It just means that it’s more difficult.

And of course, when you bring the finality of divorce or another person into the picture, these things can muddy the waters as well. But with those things said, I’ve seen divorced couples and couples who were engaged or married to other people eventually get remarried,so I never rule this out.

When It Can Be Nearly Impossible To Save Your Marriage: The only time I can think of when I say for sure that a marriage probably can not be saved (unless you believe in a reconciliation in the after life) is the situation where the spouses are having difficulty with their marriage and one spouse dies during the process. This is a heart breaking tragedy and, since you only have one piece of the puzzle, you are kind of stuck where you are. Of course, I have had people tell me that they know they will meet their other half again one day and I think that this is truly the attitude that you need to have when you’re trying to save your marriage against all odds, regardless of your situation.

As you can probably see, I’m very stubborn and believe that there’s only a very few situations where the marriage absolutely can not be saved. But I’m an optimist in that regard. However, realistically, I do realize that eventually, both sides have to agree upon the state of the marriage and both have to eventually cooperate for the marriage to be saved.

There were many people (including my husband) who felt my marriage could not be saved, but I suppose I’ve proven them all wrong. It wasn’t always easy and I realize that this isn’t going to be possible in every marriage. But I’m glad I didn’t give up. If you think it will help, you’re welcome to read the whole story on how I saved my marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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