Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Although it doesn’t always make sense, the amount of time, passion, and work that one spouse spends fighting for and trying to save their marriage is not always reflected in the results. What I mean by this is that often wanting to save your marriage, immediately taking the steps to do just that, and refusing to give up would seem to most like a winning plan, but sometimes this backfires. I know this first hand from personal experience. The reason for this isn’t that you didn’t try hard enough or that you didn’t want to save your marriage enough. The real reason lies in the perception of the spouse who wants a divorce or wants to end the marriage. Often, the divorcing spouse is turned off when they are bombarded by what they perceive as desperation or trying too hard. So, to answer the questions “do you fight for your marriage or give your spouse space,” the short answer is that you do both, although you don’t necessarily want your spouse to realize your plan. I’ll explain why (and how this works) in the following article.

Why You Can Sometimes Fight Too Hard To Save Your Marriage And Actually Push Your Spouse Further Away: It’s totally natural to want an immediate solution to marital issues because it feels so awful and so foreign when things are this bad. So, your immediate reaction is to pull out of all the stops and bombard your spouse with an obvious campaign to save your marriage. You try to talk them to death. You try to solve your problems overnight. You try to reason with or engage them. You try to get them to “remember when,” or you bombard them with affection that is obviously coming out of nowhere and meant to change the mind that they believe they have already made up.

The problem with these things is that they often fall on deaf ears when a spouse has already made up his mind, and, worse, they make you appear unattractive and unstable. There is a better way to fight for your marriage behind the scenes while letting them think that you are giving them the space they’ve asked for.

How To Give Them Space While Still Fighting For Your Marriage: It may not seem like it right now, but giving them the space that they have requested is vital. It helps your cause in many ways. First, it validates your spouse. You’re telling them that you agree that they deserve to be happy and that you care enough about them to help them achieve this goal. Second, it’s going to relieve some of the awkwardness so that they will eventually stop blocking out what you say. Third, there needs to be a calm, quiet period where everyone can think rationally and have the time to miss one another.

Now, I’m not necessarily talking about one of you moving out. I’m talking about giving this space underneath one roof or a scenario in which one of you stays with friends for a while to sort this out. But, if your spouse has already or is going to move out, this can still work just as well.

It’s very important that you are convincing when you agree to the space. In fact, you need them to know that you want it too – for yourself. So, when things are calm, sit your spouse down and tell him that you’ve been thinking about the issues between you and you agree that the marriage needs a serious overhaul. Admit that you, too, would like to see some changes as the distance between you hurts you because your spouse is the most important person in your life. And, admit too, that you could really use the space for yourself and that you think it could make some things clear to both of you.

It’s important to understand that giving the space is not giving up or giving in. Instead, it’s the smartest thing to do right now. You’re buying yourself time and giving your spouse no reason to continue to block you.

So, What Happens During The Time And Space Apart?: This is the most important part of the plan. It’s so important that you make yourself get out and get moving. I know that you won’t feel like it. I know that it seems so much easier to just stay in and reminisce. But, that’s not the best course of action if you want to fight for this marriage.

Instead, you want to dust yourself off and reintroduce yourself to the best version of yourself – the one that your spouse fell in love with. I’m not talking about the younger version. I know you can’t turn back time. I’m talking about the intriguing, engaging, open-hearted person who could not get or do enough for your now-spouse. The one with the easy laugh. The one who listened intently when they talked. The one who understood them.

Now, I know you may be thinking. “Well, what is this going to do for me? We’re on a break so he won’t even see this.” I know that it seems this way, but I’ll bet you have mutual friends or you know where he hangs out (give this time though, don’t arrange to bump into him too soon). Believe me when I say, if you get out, have fun, and put a smile on your face (while maintaining your dignity and respect), he is going to find out.

Understand that you don’t need to overdo it. Stop yourself from flirting or dating other men to make him jealous or playing the “I’m having fun and living my life” card too strongly. The part you’re playing is a wife who wants to save her marriage and who loves her husband very much, but who respects herself (and him) enough to make the best of the cards she’s dealt.

Eventually, for most people, this will start to work a little bit. The spouse will start to come around or try to find out just what you are up to. Don’t make the mistake of letting your guard down too soon. Show your spouse that the person they fell in love with is still here – and is here to stay – not just part of a master plan that is going to fall away as soon as the threat of divorce is removed. Always move more slowly than you want to and let them initiate the course of action. It’s best to have them be the one who wants more, while you are the one moving slowly.

When my husband wanted space, I grabbed hold more tightly.  Of course, this was the wrong cal. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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