Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I almost never hear from wives who are completely on board and in agreement about a divorce. But, because of the articles I write, I often hear from the wives who want to stop the divorce and save the marriage, even when they are the only one who thinks that the marriage is worth saving. I also know that this is a difficult situation because you feel that you are on the outside looking in. At this point, it’s likely that your husband is limiting your access to him –  physically, emotionally, and mentally. So, it’s hard to get a foothold on what is the best course of action to stop or change his mind. You don’t have the same “in” that you did before all this divorce business came to light, so you’re left to muddle ahead on your own. In this article, I’ll give tips that I believe can actually work to save your marriage even when he’s made it very clear that he wants a divorce.

Understand That The Real Cause Of The Divorce Is Often Not What Either Of You Think That It Is: Husbands are notoriously bad communicators. It’s not uncommon for husbands to give you vague or short syllable answers as to why they want to split up. Often, they will say things like “I just don’t want to be married anymore,” “I just want out,” “I’m just not happy,” or my personal favorite, “it’s not me, it’s you.”

And wives will often tell me “if I can just figure out the exact reason why he wants the divorce, that would make all the difference because then I could address that problem head-on.” True, it might help. But, in my opinion, it’s very likely that it’s not the golden nugget or missing link that you think it is. Often the “causes” of divorce are multifaceted, but they really all come down to one thing – the loss or lack of intimacy. Now, I know that sounds overly simplistic, but stay with me.

Remember when you were first dating or were at the best point in your relationship and “deeply in love”? Do you remember what you fought about? Probably not, and even if you do, I’d be willing to bet that any disagreements in and around this time were dealt with quickly and easily. How do I know this? Because two people in love don’t want to waste their time arguing or distancing themselves from each other. They want to spend more time generating the intimacy that they enjoy.

It’s only when this balance shifts and intimacy begins to wane that people cling to a sense of right or wrong or scorekeeping. And this, in turn, deteriorates feelings of closeness even more. It’s a vicious cycle that you must stop.

Getting The Intimacy Back When He Won’t Let You In: Women tell me that returning the intimacy makes complete sense to them, but they think that it is an impossible task because their husbands have distanced themselves, aren’t speaking to them, or won’t listen to anything they have to say.

Well, there is a way around this. But, it will feel risky and foreign at first. What is required is that you completely change the message that he is choosing to tune out. And, you completely transform the person who he feels he needs to block. In essence, you’re disarming him. You’re not giving up or surrendering. You’re buying yourself time and giving yourself access.

It works something like this. At a time when you are both calm, you validate your husband. Because up until this point, when you were trying to change his mind, he was reading this as your saying that he was wrong. As a result, he feared that you were trying to keep him from getting what he wants. So, of course, he distanced himself as a defense mechanism. Now, you have to undo this.

You start by telling him that you’ve thought a lot about the state of your marriage and you agree with him that it’s in serious trouble. You agree that you both deserve to be happy and to have better than this. You vow to help him get that, no matter what that means for your marriage. (Stay with me. This is ultimately going to help in the end.) Assure him that he is the most important person in your life and that you don’t want to part with unresolved issues and misunderstandings between you. Tell him straight out that you will no longer act in a way that isn’t going to allow this to be possible.

Now, it’s highly likely that he won’t believe any of this at first and he may tell you as much. Just be calm and know that over time he will come around as he sees that you are very serious.

Following Through With The Entire Plan: Now, in order for this to work, you have to always make good on what you said and you have to always present your husband with the best version of yourself. Remember when I had you think back to when you were first dating? Do you remember the woman he first fell in love with? You should. She’s you. You know her intimately.  Many husbands desperately miss their wife’s light-hearted nature, open heart, attention, and the fact that their wives understood and appreciated them more than anyone else in the world.

Unfortunately, life is not very friendly to marriages. There are so many things that fight for our time and attention and we often make the grave mistake of assuming that our husbands see these struggles and understand. Although they may well understand, this doesn’t lessen their disappointment when we put them, and our marriages, on the back burner.

But, before you can rescue your marriage, you must generate interest and get him receptive to you again. You do this by showing him glimpses of the woman that he would once jump through rings of fire for, but who he feared was gone forever. No, I’m not talking about the young girl with no wrinkles and no responsibilities. I’m talking about the person who laughed at his jokes, and listened intently when he talked, who valued him, and left no doubt as to what was the most important thing to her.

Now, you can’t be obvious about this or just tell him that she’s back. Instead, you make sure that he sees this when he sees or hears about you. You get out there and have fun with your friends and/or you put this new you on full and convincing display if you have access to him.

I know that I am asking you to make many changes.  But you can take a gradual, methodical approach.  This is what I did – because my husband would not have bought so many changes at once.  Eventually, my tiny adjustments made all of the difference.  We are still married today because of them. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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