Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: The women who visit my blog are often at the end of their rope. Often I get emails which say something like “I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything. I don’t want to beg, but I don’t know what else to do to save this marriage.” Let me disclose right up front that begging is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. You are already at a bit of a disadvantage, if (at least right now) you are the only one who is 100% interested in saving the marriage. So, it would be a huge mistake to add fuel to the fire by begging or acting in a way that is beneath you. This will only make you appear more unattractive and more unstable anyway. In this article, I will give you alternatives that may work much better and retain your self-respect.

Call His Bluff, Sort Of: Often a husband who is threatening divorce is trying to get a reaction from you. In truth, what many actually want more than anything is your attention, reassurance, affection, and appreciation. If you’ve been withholding these things from your husband (for whatever reason), now is the time to stop doing that. (But not in an obvious, desperate way.) And, give this time to work.

However, if your husband is still determined that he doesn’t want to save the marriage, the only option that you have here is to control what you can – yourself. Sit him down and tell him that you hear and respect what he is saying. Assure him that you have always wanted him to be happy and that has not changed. Tell him that you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but that you are committed to making sure that if you do part, it will not be on bad terms, as he is too important to you to allow that to happen. Vow that you will not engage in behaviors that will pull you further apart.

Now I know that you may be thinking that I just told you to “give in” or “give up.” This isn’t the case. You are doing this for a couple of reasons. First, you need for your husband to understand that you are on his side and that you aren’t going to disrespect yourself and him by participating in negative behaviors like arguing, debating, engaging, or begging. Because of this, he will no longer need to avoid you, which is very important. You need at least some access to him for this plan to work.

Show Him Who He Wants To See From This Day Forward: It’s so important that you present your husband with the best version of yourself at all times during this process. You don’t want him to see a groveling, disheveled, desperate woman. You want him to see (and want) the woman that he first fell in love with. But, he’s not going to believe that she is still present if all you do is tell him. You must show him instead.

Now, I know that perhaps he has left, but I’m sure that you have mutual friends and I am sure you know where he is likely to be. Instead of wallowing in fear and negative feelings you must dust yourself off, dress yourself up, and get yourself out there. You must focus on yourself and put a genuine smile on your face. I know this is not easy. It was not easy for me. But, knowing that I respected myself enough to value my own needs helped pique my husband’s interest. And, seeing me dressed up having fun and pursuing my passions showed him glimpses of the woman he first loved.

Bringing It All Together: Hopefully, the picture is starting to become clear. Saving your marriage (when you are the only one who wants to) is really a two-step process. First, you must show your husband that you are capable (in a genuine way) of showing him the appreciation, affection, understanding, and respect that you did when you were first dating. (This is usually only the first step, and not enough if he’s dead set on leaving.) This may take a while. He may not believe it at first but keep right on doing it. Just must make sure that it comes off as genuine and not game playing.

Second, you must show your husband that the woman he first fell in love with is still present. You have to be able to pinpoint exactly who she was and bring her back. Did he love your sense of humor? Your open heart? Your ability to understand him? Whatever it was, ask yourself how much he’s experiencing that now. Because to turn this around, he needs to experience it and know that it still exists and can be as good as he remembers.

Finally, you must respect yourself and know that giving him what he wants is going to get you what you want. But, neither of you wants to choke down your self-respect to please the other.

I discarded my self-respect plenty initially.  I am sure that I appeared to be a desperate wreck.  Thankfully, I eventually got it together and found some tactics that worked. You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin