Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Recently, I’ve been receiving a lot of emails from wives whose husbands have just initiated and/or asked for a separation. The wives are afraid that once they let the husband leave the home, they’ve lost the marriage for good. Many people assume that a separation almost always precedes a divorce or that the chances are good that couples who separate will divorce rather than get back together. There’s no reason for these things to be true if you act appropriately before or during the separation.

In truth, time apart can sometimes be a healthy thing and it can allow the time for both parties to miss one another and decide that they’d rather commit to working things out than going it alone. And, it can provide a break in the downward spiral that was deteriorating the marriage. In this article, I’ll offer you some tips and advice to help you save your marriage when faced with a separation, if that is your goal.

If Your Husband Hasn’t Left Yet: Delaying The Separation: The best-case scenario of course, if that the separation never happens, that you both stay under the same roof. If your husband is harping on a separation, see if you can convince him to “live apart” under the same roof for a while. Agree that you both could use a break and the time to work on yourselves. Concede that the marriage is not fulfilling or working for either of you and reassure your husband that you both deserve to be happy. Vow to not act in any way that would deteriorate your relationship, whether it is ultimately ending or not.

Making The Necessary Concessions: Now, for this to work, you’re going to need to do exactly what you are promising. Give your husband the space he’s asking for. Don’t mope or engage him or try to make him feel guilty. Actually, the best thing that you can do right now is to get out and keep yourself busy. Ultimately, you want to show your husband that you’re making good on your promise to live separately under the same roof. You’re also showing him that you’re the same exciting, busy, self-sufficient woman he first fell in love with.

Many women assume that I mean going out with friends and partying with or seeing other guys to make your husband jealous. This isn’t what I mean at all. Because at the heart of this plan, you want to come off as a wife who wants to save your marriage but who is allowing her husband the space he’s requested.

Speaking of space, you need to make sure you give him plenty of it. Don’t be cold or unfeeling. Be lighthearted and cheerful, but take the lead in allowing both of you to live your lives. Because the best-case scenario here is that your husband finds he misses you and you’re out, having fun, and carrying on, just as you promised.

If Your Husband Has Already Moved Out: Saving Your Marriage When You’re Living Separately: Even if your husband has left the house, you can still make good use of this plan. Again, you want to show yourself as the busy, alluring, intriguing, positive woman that your husband first fell in love with. But how can he know this if you no longer live together? You let it leak through mutual friends, you “accidentally” run into him, or you come up with a legitimate reason that you need to see him (very briefly, because you don’t want to appear desperate or manipulative.)

With each encounter, you will make good on your promise to act in such a way that contributes to the relationship. It’s so easy to try to make him feel guilty or sorry, but don’t. Show him that you can take care of yourself and that you respect yourself enough to care for yourself quite well. Your goal here is to show your husband that you are still very much desirable and that you are not in any way waiting around for him. Strong, busy, self-sufficient women who pose a bit of a challenge are very attractive to men. Always remember this. I didn’t capitalize on this at first and it was a huge mistake.

Always Move Very Slowly. Do Not Push: Granted, this whole scenario can be tiring. We all know that, if we’re very honest, we wish we didn’t have to do any of this. But, it is going to work out in the end because it will put us in the best position to save our marriages in the long term. Many women who try this find that their husbands are starting to initiate meetings and time together. Here is where so many people waste all of their hard work. They will then try to “work out their problems” or have deep discussions, or demand promises and assurances. These things usually only scare off the husband or drive him away.

I know that it is going to take restraint and discipline to let this play out, but you must. Your goal is to get your husband to be the pursuer and to want to see more of you. And, as you comply, you want to keep it lighthearted, fun, and upbeat. Eventually, when your marriage is back on firm ground and he’s back in the house, you can then begin to discuss the serious topics that will need to be worked through. But, don’t attempt this until both parties live together again and are committed to putting in the time and effort to making things work for good.

When my husband wanted a separation (but I didn’t), I made many of the mistakes I discussed in this article based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and I got a new plan. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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