Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane: I hear from so many people who tell me that they live in a loveless marriage where they are just sort of coexisting in the same house.  Much of the time, they tell me that divorce is not an option for them either because of their children or because of financial or moral issues.  And although many of them have accepted the situation, they are looking for ways to improve it because they can’t deny that they aren’t happy and that they are struggling to make this work day after day.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband and I agreed to stay together for our kids and I’m 100% committed to that.  We both come from broken families and we refuse to do that to our children.  So, divorce isn’t an option and I’m fine with that.  However, at this point, we’re only just coexisting and even that is a struggle.  Lately, we just haven’t been getting along.  He has started to come and go as he pleases and little things he does really annoy me.  I think the reality of our situation has started to become real to both of us and now we’re lashing out at one another.  Seeing us fight and argue in this way isn’t good for our children either, which is why this whole thing is ironic.  We’re staying together for the kids, but now they’re seeing our inability to get along, which certainly doesn’t set a good example for them.  My goal is a relatively happy family that supports and nurtures my children and gives them a good and healthy foundation, but this isn’t what’s happening. How can we coexist when we annoy each other so much and all of the love is gone?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

When You’re Telling Yourself That You’re Only Going To Coexist, You’ve Set It Up Where There Isn’t That Much To Look Forward To And The Behavior In The House Will Reflect This: This couple’s situation is extremely common.  And I applaud them for trying so hard to provide a healthy family life for their children.  The statistics on children from divorced families is plentiful and isn’t all that encouraging.  I think that most people agree that children living with both married parents is the ideal if it’s at all possible.  However, another part of the ideal is children living in a happy and stable home that provides positive examples of couples interacting in a loving and upbeat way.  No one wants their children to see constant fighting or an inability to get along so that the child will grow up thinking that this is acceptable or that this is the way that married couples behave and relate to one another.

So it’s obvious that the ideal would be for the couple to find a way to not only get along and coexist, but to create a situation where both are happy and fulfilled enough that they’re able to create the situation that they envisioned all along.  But, this is going to be difficult when they’re repeatedly made clear to themselves and to each other that the real goal is to just coexist and muddle through for the sakes of their children. Frankly, most people would agree that this doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.  If you know that this negative situation is going to be your reality day after day, month after month, and year after year, how enthusiastic can you really be?  And what kind of attitude and sense of cooperation can you possibly bring to the table when you know that this might be your grim reality?

To me, the real key is to reach higher and entertain the thought that your life doesn’t necessarily have to be this way.   People will often just assume that the love is gone from their marriage and will never come back.  But if you’re committed to staying anyway, why wouldn’t you at least try to do more than just coexist?  I know that this is easier said than done when you’re not getting along.  But to me, it makes more sense to make the goal to do more than coexisting.  Every one needs something to look forward to.  And knowing that, day after day, the best than you can hope for is just to get along without much emotion can’t be all that appealing.

Moving From Coexisting To Actually Enjoying Your Lives Together: Hopefully you can gradually change your outlook so that you’re no longer thinking that coexisting is the best that you can hope for. If you can’t yet envision this, then perhaps you can make a very conscious effort to put more joy into your life outside of your household.  Maybe this means going out with friends sometimes, taking a class, or pursuing a hobby.  This isn’t meant to be a replacement for your home life. It’s meant to give you some reprieve and a more positive outlook so that this will carry over into your home life and eventually improve it.

Another tip is pausing or redirecting when you notice you and your spouse not getting along or heading toward volatile territory.  Rather than just giving over to it and allowing things to get worse while thinking “well here we go again because nothing is ever going to change,”  take a break.  Go for a walk.  Calmly tell your spouse that you’re going to address this later when you are both calm and receptive.  I know that this seems like a simple thing, but if you learn to redirect regularly, you really can change the culture of your marriage because the “not getting a long” will become less and less frequent until it changes.

Once you’re seeing things more positively, it can help to try to include your spouse in those things that are bringing you more new found happiness or, if that’s not possible, then find something that the two of you can enjoy together.  You don’t have to make what you suspect are unobtainable goals, but as it becomes more comfortable for you, begin to include your spouse not just in your bad days but also your good ones.  This change won’t go unnoticed by your family and this could be the thing that takes your relationship to a better place that goes beyond coexisting.

It’s Not Impossible To Bring Back The Loving Relationship Even If You’re Only Coexisting Right Now: I know that this might sound crazy to you right now, but it truly is possible to completely turn your marriage around even if today you’re only looking to get a long better for the sake of your children.  Think about this.  The commitment that you’ve made to your family shows without any doubt where your priorities are.  But, what if you could do even better?  What if you could give them parents who truly love each other instead of parents that are only going through the motions or putting on a show for their benefit?  I know from personal experience that it is possible.  It’s not always easy (or even intuitive,) but with gradual and deliberate changes, it is possible.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that we were only coexisting so he threatened to end our marriage.  My commitment ran deeper than that, but, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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