What Can I Do To Give My Husband Space In Our Marriage?
by: leslie cane: The “giving space” request is a very common one with unhappy husbands. On an almost daily basis, I hear from wives whose husband have either requested space within their marriage or during a separation. And sometimes, wives just aren’t sure what he means by this. They want to give him what he is asking for, but they are afraid of doing too much or too little.
I heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he felt “smothered” in their marriage and he just wanted for her to back off a little bit and give him some time to himself. As of now, he hadn’t mentioned a separation or divorce. As the wife understood it, the husband intended to remain married as long as she gave him the distance that he was asking for so that he didn’t feel “too tied down.”
She said, in part: “I’m not sure what he means when he says he wants space in our marriage. Does this mean that he pretty much doesn’t want to see or be with me during this process? Does it mean I shouldn’t be loving to him or reach out to him? Does it mean that we don’t have sex or act like a married couple? Am I pretty much supposed to leave him alone until the takes the initiative to reach out to me? I’m just struggling to understand what he really wants from me and what he’s hoping to accomplish with this.” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.
Although There’s No Set Rules Or Guidelines About Giving Your Husband Space, Here’s What Men Often Really Mean When They Ask For It: Many wives admit to me that they assume that a husband who asks for space is falling out of love with his wife. I certainly don’t think that this is accurate all of the time. Men who dialogue with me on my blog often admit that they ask for time and distance because they want some time to themselves to sort through some struggles that they are having. Often, these struggles are directly related to the marriage, but not always.
Many husbands in this situation will tell you that they feel like they rarely have time to think and reflect alone. Sometimes, their wife is noticing their struggles also, and, naturally, she wants to help because she loves her husband. But sometimes, she over reaches and comes on too strong and this request for space is a direct response to this. Another common scenario is for the husband to look around and realize that he rarely has time to go out with family or friends alone. He may have some single family members or coworkers and he notices that he’s the odd man out. His friends may tease him about being tethered to the “ball and chain” and his request for time to himself is his way to address this. Sometimes, men just want to relax and hang out with their male friends and they are hoping that asking for space allows this.
Giving Your Husband His Space While You’re Still Married And Living Together: This is the least risky of the many scenarios in this situation. If your husband hasn’t requested to move out or separate, at least you know that, for right now, he’s still committed to and invested in the marriage. In this case, giving him time can mean backing off and allowing him to show you what he wants. What I mean by this is that you allow him that alone time or the time with his friends that he wants. Many wives tell me that they find this to be easier said than done. After all, they still live under the same roof.
I usually suggest that the wife follow a similar path. She can spend time with her friends or family, or pursue solo activities that she might enjoy but has been putting off. The key is really to just allow him what he has asked for without trying to make him feel guilty about it or repeatedly questioning him about what he thinks and feels. To the extent that you can, you want to appear calm and confident. Panicking or repeatedly asking for reassurance will often only make things worse.
This is easier if you commit to allowing your husband to take the initiative. Let him ask you to spend time with him. Let him become affectionate to you or initiate the physical contact and then follow his lead. That’s not to say that you have to always hold back, but there’s usually less confusion if you busy yourself with other things and allow him to reach out to you when he’s ready. This way, you’ve placed yourself in a much stronger position and he can’t claim that you didn’t comply with his request.
Tips On Giving Your Husband Space During A Separation: This situation is a bit different because obviously, the husband in this scenario believes that more drastic action is in order. He thinks that in order to get that distance he wants, he has to separate from his wife. Many husbands initiate a separation because they believe that’s the only way to get some distance to really clear their head and evaluate the marriage or what they want going forward without always having their wife around to cloud their thinking. So, in order for the separation to work where your husband feels like he has what he needs to evaluate or do his thinking, you’ll need to back off somewhat.
This can be harder to accomplish when you are wondering what he’s doing, how he is, and where he is in the process. But from my own experience, I believe that you are better off allowing him to take the lead rather than trying to force your hand. Now, this doesn’t mean that you should ignore your husband or go completely off of the grid. It’s OK to occasionally check in and then let him know that, because you’re respecting his need for space, you’re going to wait to hear from him. What you want to avoid is reaching out too much so that he still feels smothered or feels as if he needs to move further away from you or make a firmer stand to get what he has asked for.
Does this mean that you can never call, text, or drop by? Not necessarily. Often, you will sort of feel your way as you see and experience his behaviors and responses. If he takes the lead and initiates the calls and contact, then you might reciprocate the next time but then back off and wait for him once again. You never want to feel as though you are the only one who is initiating the contact. Because this makes you appear undesirable and this makes your husband feel as though he might never get what he really wants as long as he stays married.
I know that it’s difficult to back off when you are so worried about the state of your marriage or you miss him. But sometimes, you have to literally force a distance. Make plans with friends, take a class, or schedule something that’s out of town. Things didn’t really turn around for me until I put a short term literal distance between us (meaning we were miles apart since I went home for a while.) I knew that if I was close by, I would be tempted to come on too strongly and this turned out to be the right call. If you’d like to read more about how this played out and how I finally got things to work, you can check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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