Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could say that all of the readers who find my blog are on the same page with their spouse’s but they’re not.  The most common scenario that I come in contact with is that one spouse (usually the husband, for my audience) wants to move forward with a divorce, believing the marriage is dead and can not be saved, while the other spouse (usually the wife) wants desperately to save it.

Unfortunately, by this time, a lot of water has accumulated under the bridge and the husband is generally not listening anymore and is unreceptive to any ideas or communication that could help the situation or save the marriage.  Often wives ask me for advice on what “tricks to play” or “letters to write” or “tactics to try” to change their husband’s mind about the divorce.  And without realizing it, these wives are setting themselves up for a plan that not only backfires but makes saving the marriage harder in the end.

No one likes to be manipulated or “convinced” into changing their mind.  And even if you do “win” this time, your husband’s heart likely isn’t going to be in it.  So, you’re getting a husband who at best comes begrudgingly back when what you want is a husband who wants to come back on his own.

So, how can you change tactics to go from being an adversary with your husband where there has to be one winner and one looser to a situation where you are both on the same page and can both get what you want? Read on, and I’ll tell you.

How To Get Your Husband To Listen To Reason:  So many women write to me and say “my husband just tunes me out.  I’m willing to really talk and work things out so that we’re both happy, but he won’t even give me the courtesy to listen.”

Here’s why he isn’t listening.  In his mind, he’s tried this all before.  Perhaps you attempted to work things out before and, maybe some changes were even made, but in the end, the bottom line was disappointing and not enough.

So in his mind, nothing is ever going to change and interacting and communicating with you now is just eliciting negative feelings and is, therefore, a waste of time.  I’m not saying that this is right.  We all know that it isn’t.  I’m just saying that this is what men tell me during my research.  My own husband admitted to me that when I was trying to save our marriage, he never actually heard what I was saying – he only heard background noise (which he wasn’t paying attention to anyway.)

So, if you want your husband to listen to you, you have to change your message and your delivery.  Because right now, he’s in blocking mode.  His intention is to thwart whatever you are going to say or do to change his mind.  So, the easiest way around this is to tell him flat-out that you aren’t going to attempt to change his mind.

Simply put, you agree and then you back off.  I know this can sound a risky tactic, but I find it the safest way to go.  The key is that you’re going to agree to a few things.  You agree that the marriage is unsatisfying (to you as well,) you agree that major changes need to be made (for you too,) and you agree that you could both use some time to evaluate and work on your own issues.  Now, I know that you are reading this as a loss, but don’t.  This is simply how you are going to get your husband receptive to you again.  Because as soon as your husband thinks your attempts to change his mind aren’t happening excessively, there’s no longer any need for him to avoid you and block every conversation you try to have with him.

Once The Tensions Lessen, Introduce The Next Step: So far, you’ve hopefully agreed with your husband (that the marriage is in trouble, needs change, and a pause may be a good idea), which is meant to disarm his defense mechanisms.  Now, in order for this to work, you have to make good on what you’ve said.  Don’t fall into old patterns of engagement that will push him away.  Always present the best, most patient, calmest version of yourself because you want him to see glimpses of the woman he first met and fell in love with.

So, once the tension lessens and your husband is no longer running away every time he sees you, try to approach him in a lighthearted, open way.  Tell him that you value the marriage and your relationship with him. Tell him that you’d like the improve the relationship because he is very important to you.  Assure him that you don’t know what tomorrow brings and you aren’t trying to change his mind, but that you don’t want to part with any animosity or anger between you. If he is not receptive, don’t push.  Continue to present yourself as the best, most light-hearted version of yourself.

What To Focus On When You Interact With Your Husband:  It’s important that you continue to do what you’ve promised.  Always be positive, patient, and upbeat without demanding any reassurances or commitments.  What you are trying to do here is replace the negative feelings and tensions with positive feelings and peace.  The idea is that you want your husband to want to see more of you and spend more time together.  After the first couple of meetings, always let your husband be the one to initiate things.   Your best-case scenario is that one day he realizes that the woman he first loved is right there in front of him, but he is about to make the grave mistake of letting her get away.

Sometimes, wives tell me that what I’m telling them makes sense, but they can’t ever envision their husbands pursuing them again.  The wives explain that they no longer talk, they can’t stand to be in the same room together, etc.  Well, I know that is how it feels now. But, if over a period of time, you show your husband that indeed things can change, that indeed the woman he fell in love with does still exist, and that she in fact does value him and can communicate with him in a new, non-combative way, it’s highly likely that he will eventually realize that his assumptions were wrong.  And, when he does, you pick up this plan in the place most applicable to your situation and you move slowly until he is as committed and enthusiastic about saving your marriage as you are.

When my husband wanted out (but I didn’t), I made many of my mistakes based on fear. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/