Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are both happy, relieved, reluctant, and worried all at the same time.  They are happy because it appears that their husband might be considering coming back to them or at least “trying again” after the separation.   But, they are worried because they know that the marriage has some real difficulties (which made the separation necessary in the first place) and they worry that nothing has really changed.

So, they can have a lot of anxiety as to whether the marriage is actually going to improve or work after the separation.   And, they are often very invested in it working.  After all, the next time things fall apart, they may be dealing with a divorce rather than only a separation.

I often hear comments like: “my husband is considering moving back home after our separation.  I can tell that he’s reluctant and doubtful that things are going to really work out.  I need for this to work because I don’t want a divorce.  How can I rebuild my marriage after the separation so that it actually lasts?  How do I make sure that we don’t just end up separated again or even divorced because we are dealing with the same problems over and over again?  And how can I make sure that my husband is every bit as committed as I am?”  I will share with you the tips that I offered in the following article.

Rebuilding Your Marriage After A Separation Doesn’t Mean That You Need To Solve All Of Your Problems Immediately:  Here is what many people misunderstand (and where they go wrong.)  While you will absolutely need to work through and address your problems, you will usually have better results if you don’t try to do too much too soon.

The reason for this is that when your spouse returns (or is considering coming back) after a separation, the marriage is often still quite fragile no matter how badly one or both of you want for things to work out.  This means that you are still vulnerable to misunderstandings, your spouse feeling differently than you do about the issues, or the strain that comes from always focusing on your problems.

It is better to gradually attempt to rebuild the bond and then to slowly work through the issues (as are needed and as the marriage will allow at the time.)  Quite honestly, if you are successful in rebuilding the bond and the intimacy (and when you and your spouse are clicking again in the way that you did in the past,) many of the issues or problems that seem insurmountable right now will likely seem smaller in comparison.

The reason is that when you are sharing positive feelings and emotions with your spouse, you become very invested in wanting this to continue, so you are much willing to compromise more and dwell less.   I’m not saying that loving feelings will make all of your marital problems go away, but don’t underestimate how much they truly can help.

You Don’t Always Need For Both People To 100% Commit To Rebuilding During Or After A Separation.  A Wait And See Attitude Can Work As Long As You Are Moving Forward:  The wife was very concerned because the husband did not seem to have the same burning desire or the same desperation that she did to save the marriage.

The husband wasn’t exactly opposed to rebuilding, he just had some doubts that it would actually happen successfully.  This bothered the wife so much that I worried she would sabotage the whole thing by trying to force or push the husband into declaring himself 100% committed to saving the marriage.

The thing is, it’s normal for one or both spouses to have some doubts after separating.  But it’s OK to move forward anyway.  Over time as things go well and you move slowly and gradually, these doubts will start to fade.  But if you insist on a 100% commitment from the beginning, you may keep your spouse from every really trying or giving the process a real chance, even if they are reluctant.

Place Most Of Your Focus On Rebuilding In A Positive Way So That You Both Enjoy Participating.  (Don’t Allow Your Doubt Or Anxiety To Sabotage Your Actions:)  Here is what I want for you to take from this article. I want you to know that rebuilding after a separation should be seen as an opportunity that can actually be pleasurable.  Most people see rebuilding as akin to having to lift brick and mortar with power tools so that you are both breaking an emotional sweat. This can cause a lot of doubt, feet dragging, and reluctance.

You want for both you and your spouse to have positive feelings and enthusiasm about this process.  So place your focus on revisiting those things that used to make you happy and feel close to your spouse rather than dissecting every problem that you ever had.  I concede that problems don’t solve themselves and that you will eventually need to place some focus there.

But in the beginning, your attention really should be on just reconnecting and remembering why you loved each other in the first place and what worked well for you rather than remembering what went wrong.  Sometimes, I think that couples focus so much on their problems that they almost give those problems more power.

I know that some people will disagree with me.  But I have seen too many couples make this mistake and I see more success with couples who put their issues on the back burner and have some fun together (without holding on so tightly and being guided by fear,) at least for a little while.

The process really should be fun.  You want to see your marriage as a pleasurable and enjoyable place to be rather than a place where you’re going to be analyzed, discussed, and criticized until your toes curl and you just want to avoid the whole thing.

I think that sometimes people think that rebuilding after a marital separation requires a series of steps and that once you pass one issue, you move on to the next and to the next so that if you finally make it to the end,  your reward is that you remain married after a hard fought battle.

I see it differently.  What worked for me and many others is making the process of rebuilding an enjoyable one that teaches you what you still love about your marriage rather than what you still see as flawed.

My husband and I were separated and things went so wrong he actually filed for divorce.  Thankfully, I decided that dwelling on the negative was doing me no good, so I decided to focus on the positive and this worked.  You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  There are also some excellent free resources on the side of this blog that will give you some advice and insights from the experts on this topic.

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