Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Probably the most common comment or question that I get is “I want to get my husband back, but I just don’t know how.”

Often people will tell me that they are afraid that there is just too much water under the bridge, or their husbands are too angry, too distant, or dead set or separating or divorcing. Most times, one spouse is trying to save their marriage single-handedly and is meeting resistance.

I am living proof that you can save your marriage and get your husband back even when you think all may be lost. What is usually required though is that you change tactics, switch sides, and consciously chose behaviors that may not feel natural right now. But, I promise the advice that I am about to give you may help your cause rather than hurt it.

Resist Mistakes That Will Hurt Your Efforts To Get Your Husband Back: I have made every mistake that I’m getting ready to tell you to avoid. I believe that it’s just natural to want to fix things in your marriage as quickly as you can, but this often forces your hand, and tricks you into taking desperate action in such a way that pushes your husband further away.

It comes down to whether your actions are eliciting negative or positive feelings in your husband. Because his leaving (or wanting to leave) is, in its simplest form, the result of negative feelings. So, you don’t want to add any more fuel to the fire. This means no begging, arguing, attempting to strong-arm or “convince,” and no threats or ultimatums.

I’ve spoken to many husbands who tell me that they always tune out this form of “communication” as a defense mechanism, so save your energy and efforts for what is really going to work. I did these things for way too long, and ultimately this only made my job harder in the end.

What If I’ve Already Messed It Up? (How To Talk To Your Husband So That He Will Actually Listen): Often, when I tell wives about these mistakes, they’ll respond with something like “well, I’ve already made these mistakes and I can’t take them back, so I think it’s too late.” Don’t worry. You will just have to convincingly change course, and your husband may not believe you at first, but if you keep at it and stay the course, he hopefully eventually will. So, first things first.

There will come a time when you will need to meet with or communicate with your husband. (If you have to push this along, arrange a believable meeting or need to communicate, but don’t abuse this.) When this happens, tell your husband that you’ve been thinking a lot about where things stand, and you agree that things need to change. Explain that you will no longer engage in behaviors that hurt your relationship or either of you. Tell him that you respect and value him too much to end things badly. Tell him that, no matter how things end up, you want to improve your relationship.

This should help with the tension and resistance. But, there is still work to do. Because your husband is likely going to think that this is just a plan to change his mind. So, will have to do exactly what you are promising. When you interact, always ask yourself if your actions are going to help or hurt your bottom line.

Make Yourself Available, But Don’t Be A Doormat: Here’s the most common mistake that I see in this plan. Many people are successful in the previous step. The tension eases and they find that the communication with their husbands is open and somewhat easy again, but then they mess up all of their hard work by pushing for a commitment, excessive reassurance, or they try to “work out” their problems with long, difficult, or painful discussions. Note that if your husband hears “work” before he’s ready, he’s going to resist.

Yes, you will eventually need to work through your problems but wait until the relationship is back on firm ground. Ultimately, you want to set this up to a point where you are equals again, where your husband is wanting more from the relationship and again being the one to initiate this. You don’t want to constantly be the pursuer. You’re in the best position to save the marriage when you show him glimpses of the woman he first fell in love with. I’d be willing to bet that she wasn’t desperate, needy, or not capable of entertaining herself on her own.

So get out and be with your friends. Keep yourself busy, and put a smile on your face. Show your husband that you respect yourself enough to do the things that make you happy. Always be clear that while you value your husband and your marriage above all else, you don’t know what the future holds and you aren’t going to wait around generating and experiencing negative feelings.

Many women tell me that this sounds and feels risky. It may seem that way at first, but it can work because it encourages his curiosity and shows him that the most attractive version of the woman he first fell in love with still exists and is likely right in front of him.

I learned these strategies through trial and error when trying to save my own marriage.  Many of my mistakes were nearly catastrophic, but thankfully, I changed course in time.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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