Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often people will email me and ask for “secrets for getting a husband back.” The truth is, there wasn’t one particular secret that was the deciding factor in saving my own marriage. Rather, it was several techniques that I used together. I suppose that you can fairly call them “secrets” as they sometimes aren’t intuitive and many people just don’t use them, although they work very well. (It took me way too long to use them myself.) So, in this article, I’ll share with you several things that you can do (which you may not have thought of) to get back your husband.

Understand That Men Love Women Because Of How We Make Them Feel About Themselves: More often than not, men “fall out of love” not because they’ve lost feelings about you, but because they’ve lost feelings about themselves. This probably sounds utterly ridiculous (it did to me at first), so I’ll explain.

When a man falls in love with you, it’s typically because you’ve found a way to make him feel special, understood, desirable, and valuable. You make him feel particularly unique, because, of all the men in the world, you chose him to love. Obviously, this feels very good. As you know, when you’re “in love,” you walk around on cloud nine because you are part of a team, someone “gets”, appreciates, and desires you, and nothing else matters but the two of you.

However, over time, as you are married for a while and perhaps have a few kids, a few jobs, a house to maintain, aging parents to deal with, and all of the responsibilities that go with maintaining a marriage, the time that you’re able to put into each other begins to wane.

Most wives (myself included) count on the fact that our husbands are all too familiar with our struggles to “be everything to everyone” and know that we love them. And, this is partly true. But, that doesn’t keep our husbands from wanting more of our attention and affection, because they need us to validate them. Over time, all of the good feelings and self-confidence they enjoyed as a benefit of your relationship are not there anymore.

As a result, the feelings of being unique, alive, and vibrant are gone and this is a sharp contrast with how they felt before. They begin to pull away, to check out, and to detach from you. You may notice a lot less affection, attention, or time spent together. The problem is, that once you notice this, a lot of damage has already been done.

So many women make the mistake of looking at the deterioration of their marriage literally. They think the marriage is broken because of stress, “falling out of love,” or money issues. But, the truth is, these external things are really contributors to your husband feeling incompetent and detached. Because two people who are deeply in love can weather these storms. In fact, these things often bring healthy relationships closer together.

What Men Really Want In A Marriage: So, hopefully now you understand how your husband likely feels. Now, I’d like to discuss what men want in a marriage. So many women will tell me things like “but our house was always immaculate. There was always dinner on the table,” or  or “I took very good care of his kids while working too.” These things are all admirable and of course, your husband appreciates this, but it’s not what he wants.

More than anything else, your husband wants you to look at him the way you did when you were first dating. He wants you to appreciate him, make time for him, and show him that he is worth your affection and time. So many men have told me “I’m nothing but a paycheck to my wife,” or “she values the kids more than me.” Husbands feel guilty and petty for feeling this way, but this is how some of them feel. Sometimes, though, rather than admitting it, they will check out.

What they want, more than anything, is to feel the way that they did when the relationship was shiny and new. Now, I know the circumstances are different now. I know that you are two different people. But, there’s no reason that you can’t be very conscious of showing your husband the woman he first fell in love with. If he couldn’t get enough of your ability to make him laugh, ask yourself how often you are showing him that side of yourself. Try your best to bring back your light-hearted, happy, intriguing self. I found, when I did this, that it not only attracted my husband back to me, I felt a whole lot better about myself as well. (That story is here.)

What If It’s Already Too Late, Or What If I Can’t Pull This Off?: Many times, after I’ve explained this, wives will say to me, “it’s too late for this. My husband wouldn’t believe me if I tried this,” or “we aren’t even speaking at this point.” And, sometimes people protest, “but I’m doing all the work!” Admittedly, you will have to pull this off convincingly for it to work. But, I’m not asking you to be anyone other than yourself – the best version of yourself – the one your husband loves very much.

If you are not speaking or if your husband is not receptive, you’ll have to accept small victories for a while. You’ll need to tell your husband that whether the marriage can be saved or not, you are committed to restoring a positive relationship because he will always be important to you. This means no arguing, no engaging, no begging, or following him around. Only participate in behaviors that will help your cause rather than hurt it.

And yes, at first, you will be doing much of the work, but in the end, you will also get the reward. You will both be happier once you restore the time, attention, and the feelings of being “in love.”

When my husband left, I made many of the mistakes I mentioned in this article. I stalked, and begged, threatened, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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