Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  I’m often contacted by women (but also by some men) who want me to tell them what, exactly, to say to their spouses to save the marriage.  They want some “magic words” or the “perfect letter” to communicate to their spouse how much they want to make the marriage work.  While these appropriate words are going to be different for each couple, there are common words, phrases, and themes that many partners want to hear.  The real key is how you say it, when you say it, and how your actions back it up.  In this article, I’ll tell you exactly what I recommend that you say (or write) to your partner to save the marriage.

Make Sure Your Actions Match Your Words: So many times, I see people communicate to their spouses that they desperately want to rescue the marriage, only to act in such a way that drives their spouse further away.  Often, there is anger behind the words and a lot of slammed doors,  guarded body language, or aggressive, negative facial expressions that contradict what is being said.  And, often there is a lot of engaging language, ultimatums, threats, unspoken belittling questions, or even overt guilt seeking that is only going to place you, and the marriage, in a very negative light that your spouse could well want to escape even more.

Be very conscious of what your actions are saying.  When I did this exercise myself, I noticed that my unspoken words were really saying to my husband, “You’re wrong. Things aren’t so bad.  How could you do this to me? What’s wrong with you to want to change everything?”  This was not the message that I was speaking, but it really didn’t matter.  This was what my husband was hearing and he didn’t much like this message, so he pulled further away.

What You Really Want To Say To Your Partner (With Both Your Words And Your Actions) To Make Them Receptive To Saving Your Marriage: The real key in communicating the somewhat magic words that will save your marriage is to validate your partner so that you are both on the same side.  If you’re on opposite sides (so that one of you has to win and one of you has to lose,) then obviously, your partner is going to resist what you are saying.  No one wants to hear that they are wrong, or faulty, or selfish, or mistaken.  Most everyone will react much more favorably if you tell them that they are right, and that you want to help them get what they want.

So, your goal has to be to validate what your partner is saying and make absolutely sure that you understand what they really want. When you are both calm, ask your partner if you can discuss something with them.  Agree that there are serious issues in your marriage and assure them that you agree that some serious changes are needed.  Ask them to share with you what they see as the main issues and problems as they see them.  Ask them what is their best-case scenario.  If they could have anything they wanted in the marriage, or make any changes, what would they be? Do not interrupt, get defensive, or argue. Once they’re done speaking, repeat back what they have expressed and ask them if you are understanding them correctly.  Then, reassure them that their happiness and well being is a very high priority for you and that you’re going to work with them to make these wishes happen.

What Most People Want In Their Marriage (And Why You May Have To Read Between The Lines):  Sometimes people (especially husbands) are not good at putting their feelings into words. They may say one thing and mean another or they may be uncomfortable admitting their needs. So, you can go by what they tell you that they want, only to find that they are still not happy.

So, here is, in a nutshell, what most everyone wants in a marriage.  Everyone wants to feel loved, valued, and understood.  Everyone wants to feel appreciated.  Everyone wants their fair share of attention, and they want to feel worthy of your time and efforts.  Basically, they want to same things that you do.  They want to feel that you “get them,” but love them fiercely anyway.  They want your respect.  And, they want you to show them and tell them that you possess all of these things.  I often call it the three A’s.  Affection, appreciation, and attention.  If you genuinely and repeatedly show your partner these three things, it is going to make a huge difference in your marriage.

What Do You Get In Return?:  When I communicate these tips to people, some will tell me, “I can see why this works, and I’d like to try it, but I’m the one doing all of the work and that’s not fair.  My spouse isn’t taking all of this trouble for me, so why should I?” I can understand this, but I also know that a little bit of work is going to yield returns to both you and your partner.  If your partner is happy, then they are going to return these positive feelings your way.  It can’t help but happen that way.   You’re showing them how you want to be treated. They will be much more pleasant to be around and the eggshells you’re walking on will fade into the background.   I know it’s tempting to keep score, but don’t.  It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong or who is giving more right now.  It only matters that, at the end of the day, both parties are happy and fulfilled and committed to making the marriage work.

Unfortunately, I learned these things the hard way. When I tried to convince my husband to re-think the separation, I said all the wrong things. I put us on opposing sides.  I made a huge mess – all of which I had to un-do because I could save my marriage.  The rest of that story is here: http://isavedmymarriage.com