Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Wives sometimes contact me when their husband has asked for (or has already filed for) divorce. The vast majority of them don’t want for the divorce to ever go through. But they are unsure about the best way to stop it. Sometimes, while this process is still new, they’ve started to get along better with their husband. Things are improving and there’s not as much anger or avoidance.

And it’s at this point that the wife usually wonders if she should just be honest and tell her husband that not only does she not want the divorce, but she wants him to call off the whole thing and tell his lawyer to do the same.

The other day, a wife sent an email asking me something very similar. She said in part “We’re starting to get along a lot better. I am starting to think that, a long way down the road, there might be hope for us again. But I feel like if I go ahead and let him get the divorce, I might never get him back. Another part of me feels that if I ask him to stop or call off the divorce, this is going to anger or scare him and all the strides we’ve made will be over. Which is the best call here?”

This can be a very tough decision. Because on the one hand, it would be heartbreaking to say nothing and allow the divorce to happen when there may have been a chance you could have avoided it. But on the other hand, you run a real risk of him telling you that you’re only getting along now because you’re shedding all of the issues of your marriage (since you know that it will be over soon.) Not only that, but if this isn’t really what he wants to hear, he might start to make himself less available because he doesn’t want to talk about this again.

So in the following article, I’ll tell you my take on whether you should just point blank ask him to call off the divorce, especially if you’re seeing some encouraging signs.

Have Things Really Changed Or Are You Both Just Making Nice?: Before you even say anything remotely related to him changing his mind or calling this off, you’ll want to make absolutely sure that the same issues that brought you here in the first place aren’t going to get you here again. Because each time things fall apart, it’s that much harder to pick up the pieces because your husband has more and more doubt.

To be safe, you’ll want to know that real, permanent improvements have been made and are not there just there because of what’s on the horizon. As I alluded to before, sometimes you’re getting along better simply because the divorce has put a resolution in sight.

Make sure that there have been some real changes in both behaviors and intentions that you know can be sustainable. Because with each additional time you have to convince him or change his mind after yet more disappointment, it gets less and less likely each time.

Is There A Way To Make Your Feelings Known Without Actually Point Blank Asking Him To Stop The Divorce? Here’s One Suggested Example: Since there’s such a risk involved here, it makes sense to ask yourself if there’s a better way in which to say the same thing, but in a less direct or risky way.

My suggestion would be this. The next time things are going well, instead of asking him to forget about this whole divorce business, you might want to say something to the effect of “I wish we could have gotten it together and gotten along like this before divorce was even a possibility. When we’re clicking like this, it makes me horribly sad that our marriage is going to end. Sometimes, I think we should have fought harder.”

Then, just stop talking and wait. Because this would be the perfect time for him to chime in with how he really feels about the divorce and what his true feelings really are. If he doesn’t say anything or says something like “yes, but there’s no going back now,” then you will know that you still have more work to do. (And you’ll likely be glad that you didn’t ask for any more than you did.)

Perhaps A Gradual Maybe Is Better Than An Abrupt No: I completely understand why you want to ask him this. You’re hoping to push the resolution that you want. And you’re worried that if you don’t, he’s going to go right ahead and make what might be a huge mistake even when it’s excruciating to watch this take place. But there is risk in pushing the envelope, especially if he feels misjudged.

And, if your over step, the message that you are sending is that you either don’t trust him to know what he’s feeling and to then to act in accordance with this. Or you don’t believe he’s going to do the right thing. When you’re trying to change his thought process, this can be a risky move that is nearly impossible to execute correctly.

And think about this too. Even if you did get exactly what you wanted and he agreed to table the divorce, you might always wonder how much he really and truly wanted this and he might always wonder the same and harbor a little resentment. Both of these things would not strengthen your marriage moving forward.

So, as hard as it is to wait for him to come to his own decision gradually, doing so is one way to be sure that you are not the one pulling the strings. I know the direct approach is tempting, but unless he’s hinting very heavily or out and out saying that he’s having doubts, I would suggest approaching it in the way I suggested rather than asking a question to which you might dread the answer. I’d take a gradual yes or a delayed maybe any day over an immediate no. To me the cons of this strategy outweigh the pros unless you are seeing very strong indications of the opposite.