Leslie Cane Articles

by: leslie cane:  I recently heard from a wife who could not say enough nice and complementary things about her husband.  She slathered on the praise, saying that he was a wonderful man and a loving father.  She said he was always willing to help out around the house and that he was dependable and loyal.  She said her friends envied her because their own husbands weren’t nearly as involved or as attentive.  She went on and on, but by the tone of the conversation, it as clear that a “but” was coming.

And the “but” was that she didn’t feel the spark, chemistry, or electricity with her husband anymore.  And, because of this, she wasn’t sure if she was “in love” with him anymore. She said, in part: “I love my husband as a person.  He’s a good man.  And I know that I’m lucky to have him.  I would never want to deprive my children of him because they adore him.   In fact, everybody loves my husband.  And that’s why every one would think I was crazy if I told them how I really feel. When I look at him, I feel love, but I don’t feel lust.  I don’t feel that intense physical connection that I used to and then I start to wonder if it’s fair or even healthy to stay in a marriage where you know you’re settling.  I know that this is going to sound silly.  But I have a couple of divorced friends who just got remarried.  Seeing them around their new spouses makes me realize just how bad things have gotten for me because they can’t keep their hands off of one another.  I see their playful pictures on facebook and realize that our marriage is very different.  What should you do if you love your husband as a person, but aren’t sure if you still love him as a man?”

This was a very  heavy topic.  And it was difficult not to feel for the husband because he was described as so loving, loyal, and solid.  Of course, the adjectives that were left out were attractive, sexy, and alluring that people usually offer when they’re in love with their spouse.  With that said, what the wife was feeling isn’t at all uncommon.  With social media like facebook and twitter giving us glimpses into other people’s lives, it’s very easy to make comparisons and come to the conclusion that our marriage just doesn’t stack up.  But what we don’t realize is that, like in our marriages, things aren’t always as they appear. Besides, you really shouldn’t worry about anyone’s marriage but your own.  And, I didn’t think that this wife’s doubts needed to mean the end of her marriage as long as she addressed the issues that were bothering her.  I’ll discuss this more below.

It Doesn’t Make Sense To Leave A Good Man Before You Try With Everything That You Can To Get The Spark Back Or To Make The Love Return: The wife in this situation was very clear on the fact that she truly did love her husband.  She had a great deal of affection, respect, and admiration for him.  She described him in glowing terms both as a father and as a husband.  I can tell you from the correspondence that I get that descriptions like this are rare.  I can’t tell you how many wives describe a their own husbands in a very different (and less complementary) way.

So the wife had a husband worth fighting for and she was very aware of this.  She also knew that walking away from him was likely to be a mistake.  In addition to the remarried friends that she saw in new and passionate relationships, she had other friends who regretted their divorce and watched with jealousy and regret as their sweet and rock solid husbands found another woman who actually appreciated them. The wife really was quite clear on the fact that she didn’t want to leave her marriage or walk away from a great man who just at this moment and time “didn’t curl her toes” as she liked to say.

She wasn’t willing to settle for a lukewarm marriage, but she didn’t want to walk away from such a good spouse and partner.  So the best thing to do before it came to that was to try to reignite the spark with the good man that she loved.  Luckily, there was a time in the not so distant past where she did in fact feel electricity with her husband.  In the past, they had definitely had a spark.  But she said it had gone out years ago as she had to see the guy who used to pick her up on a motorcycle drive his sedan to his desk job five days a week.   It turned out that the things she loved most about him weren’t always a turn on.  But, what she didn’t see as clearly was that she wasn’t doing much to change this.  She was sort of sitting back waiting for a spark to happen on it’s own.   And every time it didn’t happen, this just reinforced her theory that her husband no longer “lit her up” as she explained it.

Reigniting The Spark In Your Marriage When The Spark Is Missing : Here’s something that people rarely talk about.  Most of the time, when you see those couples or those marriages with a lot of “chemistry,” either one of two things are present. Either the relationship is new or the people involved have made a very committed and deliberate effort to keep that spark.  Honestly, people often just sit back and wait for the fireworks to start.  Unfortunately, this is just not realistic.  The monotony and predictability of day to day life will douse that spark if you are not careful.

The good news is that if you genuinely like and feel affection for your spouse, the chemistry can most definitely return if you work at it.  Nothing said that this couple couldn’t dust off the motorcycle on weekends.  Nothing prevented them from prioritizing alone time together so that they could reconnect.  Here’s another thing that people rarely talk about.  The more sex you have, the better that sex becomes.  You can’t neglect that part of your life and expect it to just perform on cue.  You have to cultivate it with regular practice.  (And, when this wife saw her husband more as a motorcycle riding bad boy, they practiced quite a lot because that perception of him was a turn on.)  In order to feel a spark, you first have to build the base of the fire.  Many couples don’t do this and then wonder why the flames struggle or burn out.  I felt strongly that if the wife made physical contact and fun with her husband a high priority, she was going to eventually begin to notice the spark back and the chemistry returning.

There are countless things that you can do to return the chemistry in your marriage.  It never hurts to look at if there are any emotional issues in your marriage that is manifesting itself in physical ways.  Amy Wasserman’s e course (information is on the right side of this blog) is a good place to start.  You can read more about my own process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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