Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I am often approached by women who are at the end of their marital rope.  Usually, in hushed tones, or with pained faces, they confess “I don’t think my husband loves me anymore.”  Some are afraid that divorce is on the horizon, while some are just sad because the marriage is no longer as close or as intimate as they once remembered or enjoyed.  Some of these women are basing their suspicions on a feeling they have, or a vibe that their husband is giving off.  Some notice that their husbands no longer pay attention to them, flirt with them, or spend as much time with them anymore.  Some of the husbands have hinted or told the wives that they no longer love them, and some of the husbands insist that they do still deeply adore their wives, but their actions are saying something else entirely.

In this article, I will offer tips for wives who fear that their husbands no longer love them, but first, I want to reassure you that I very much doubt your worst fears are true.  I find it highly unlikely that there is no love left.  I’ll tell you why in this article.

The Love Between A Husband And A Wife Is Often Compromised But Not Altogether Lost: The society in which we live is hard on marriage.  Make no mistake about it – our mobile lifestyles, our jobs, our children, our aging parents, and our other close relationships all compete with your spouse for our time and attention.  Contrast this to a time when your love was shiny and new, and there’s no denying that times have changed.  This often means that your relationship changes as well, and this is not always a positive thing.

When people first fall deeply in love, they are overwhelmed with positive feelings that are often the result of the time, attention, and care that the other person offers up to them.  This often results in feelings of intimacy, confidence, competence.  You feel attractive, alive, cared for, and worthy.  In short, you feel like you belong – and that nothing else matters but you and your loved one.  This is a great place to be and, when you marry, it’s very common to think that you will always feel this way.

So, when the kids come along, and the work commitments begin to bog you down, it’s very easy to become bitterly disappointed.  Although you may not realize it, you mourn what was lost – especially if there is little communication or working together to get it back.  Worse, these wonderful feelings of belonging, of knowing what the other person is thinking or wanting by a simple glance or gesture, are usually lessening as well.

But, let’s stop the doom and gloom right now – because it doesn’t have to be this way.  Please understand that this is absolutely reversible.  The bottom line is that in essence, it’s not that your husband doesn’t love you anymore – it’s that he’s disenchanted with the marriage – because it is no longer producing the powerful feelings that it once did.  Yes, this hurts.  But, it’s better to understand this, because you can now fix it.

Getting The Love Of Your Husband Back: Before I go into tips to help you get your husband’s love back, first I want you to take a hard look at your own actions.  I don’t mean to place any blame here.  Please understand that this is not my intention at all.  I know you’re committed, on board, and that you love your husband or you wouldn’t have found this article.  But, sometimes our feelings don’t mirror our actions.  Ask yourself how similar the woman you are today is to the woman your spouse fell in love with.

I don’t mean looks.  I don’t mean age. I’m not even talking about sex or chemistry.  I’m talking about the woman who looked deeply into his eyes, laughed at his jokes (even the bad ones), cared deeply about his challenges, and cheered all of his accomplishments.  You may not believe me when I say this, but it is true.  Men care more about how you make them feel than about how you look.  They want someone who values them, who “gets” them, and who cares deeply about their happiness and their walk through life.

So, when you want your husband to show you more affection, make absolutely sure that you are doing everything you can to genuinely show him yours.  I don’t mean putting on an act or acting needy or insincere.  I mean giving him a hug when he walks in the door.  I mean really listening to what he is saying and allowing the give and take of conversation about things other than day to day life.  I mean doing little things to make his life easier and show him that you care.  I mean showing him that you respect yourself enough to value and seek out your own happiness.

Physical gestures (or a lack thereof) can greatly contribute to the health of your marriage as well. How often do you touch your husband in intimate ways? (Again, not sex, but that’s important too.) I’m talking about back rubs, brushing his arm, putting your arms around his waist, etc.  These things only take a second and they make a huge difference in feeling close in your marriage.

At this point in the conversation, someone will say “well, this sounds good, but we’re past that now. My husband will think I’m up to something if I act this way.”  Or, “we’re not young and naive anymore. ” My answer is always something like “Yes, it may feel strange at first, but if you keep at it, eventually, your husband is not going to complain. He will be happy to have what he loves back. Bit by bit, things will get better and you’ll get more of what you want too.” This is true.  I promise.  As he feels loved and valued again, he will give this back to you.

Once you’ve concentrated on returning the person he loves, try to focus a bit on the things and settings that you both used to love.  So often, we let the fun and joy seep from our lives because we feel our responsibilities have to come first. But, what good is the job, the house, or the 401K if you don’t have the love of your life as a happy, equal and fulfilled partner in all of these things?  In truth, nothing should matter to you as much as your family.  No matter what you perceive as the state or your marriage or as your husband’s love for you (or the lack of it) it can always be changed.  And it is always worth the effort.

I really wish I had known this before my own husband checked out of our marriage. Neglect and misunderstandings (and my own pride) were taking a serious toll. Luckily, I was able to drastically change my thinking and my actions. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/