Leslie Cane Articles

I often hear from wives whose are desperately trying to get their husbands to open up and start talking.  Often, the lack of communication in their marriage has gone on for so long that it’s become a real problem. Unfortunately, many people don’t try to address this lack of communication until it is too late and until the culture of the marriage is one of very few words.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part:  “My husband doesn’t ever communicate with me anymore except for use one syllable words or short sentences.  The thing is, I know that he is unhappy with me and with the marriage.  I know that he’s closed himself off from me.  And he won’t even talk to me to help make things better.  Every time I broach this subject, he won’t open up.  I can’t get him to communicate in any way.  I’m even stooped to picking fights just to get a response from him.  Of course, this only makes things worse.  What can or should I do?  I know that communication is the key, but I can’t get him to communicate with me at all.”

In the following article, I will go over some ways to get your husband to communicate with you in an attempt to improve or save your marriage.

Don’t Start By Trying To Communicate About Problems In The Marriage:  Understandably, this is many wives’  first inclination.  They see that the marriage is in trouble so they figure the best thing to do is just to start talking.  The problem is that if you have a husband who is in the habit of clamming up, you’re probably only going to get more of the same.

And this is going to be discouraging and you might react in a negative way so that all you get is a loop of him not communicating, your pushing harder, and him retreating even more. (This is certainly what happened to me and it made things so much worse.)

Usually in this situation, the lack of communication is something that has built up over time.  So it’s usually going to be unrealistic to think that you can just start talking about the very difficult things in your marriage and have real and flowing conversations.  Not only is that not likely, but this attempt will sometimes feel like  a failure and eventually, the spouses might just stop trying in response.

Start Very Gradually:  Even If You Have To Have Small Talk, Talk About Something:  I know that it’s tempting to think things like “well, if he’s not going to communicate with me, then why should I go out of my way and put myself out there when all I’m going to be met with is silence?” 

That’s why it helps to start small.  Even if you’re only talking about the weather, your favorite book or sitcom, or something that the two of you just participated in, it’s extremely important to get the communication going on a regular basis. 

The reason for this is that you have to start somewhere and once the communication starts gelling and doesn’t feel as forced then you can work up to real communication about your marriage or whatever it is that is bothering your husband and making him unhappy.

Don’t Assume Him Not Communicating With You Is Absolutely Personal: Sometimes, what your husband is so tight lipped about doesn’t have as much to do with you or your marriage as you might think.  Sometimes, he is dealing with his own issues and he doesn’t want to worry you or doesn’t want for you to think less of him.  So many women assume that his not communicating is a direct reaction to them, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, his upbringing contributes to his communication style or he’s just struggling to deal with something alone.

Set An Example By Putting Yourself Out There And Communicating With Him:  Sometimes, you have to take the initiative in your marriage, at least in the beginning.  If you want to get your husband to communicate with you, start by communicating with him.  And by communicating I don’t necessarily mean asking him a lot of open ended questions because men really hate this.  (I wish I had known this before I did the same thing in my own marriage.) Men often feel like they are being quizzed and they’ll often equate this to nagging.

So instead of expecting them to start talking (especially at first,) you’re often better off  just communicating yourself.  You might say what’s on your mind without any expectations.  Once you do, move on.  Don’t push or demand a response.  Just move on back to that small talk or light hearted banter we talked about.

Because eventually, when he is comfortable, he will speak up.  And if you continue to build on the regular and easy going talks, you are increasing the odds that, while he’s talking to you about the small things, he’ll also open up about the big things like your marriage or anything that he’s dealing with or is the cause of his unhappiness.

Make Sure That Your Husband Knows That You Want Him To Communicate With You Because You Want To Be There For Him: The tone with which you ask him to communicate with you is extremely important.   I often find that when women start to feel a shift or problem in their marriage or with their husband, they go into “fix it” mode.

Your husband is well aware of this and as a defense mechanism, he might clam up because he doesn’t want one response to lead to a whole bunch more questions or probings.  He also might fear that you’re going to try to fix him or the issue, or point out where he is wrong or not seeing things clearly.

It’s so important that he knows you aren’t trying to communicate with him for any of these reasons.  You’re trying to communicate with him because you know that something is bothering him and you’re hoping that by talking out it, you can help to make it better.

Your motivation is your love with him, your desire for him to be happy, and your wish for a happy marriage.  He needs to understand these things and know you aren’t trying to analyze him or debate him.  You’re just trying to be a sounding board and a safe place to fall.  I have dialogued with a lot of men about this issue and I can tell you that if you present yourself correctly, many will slowly start to open up.

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