Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I have dialogue with wives who are beside themselves while attempting to come up with a way to keep their husbands from leaving them. Sometimes, they have advanced warnings because the husband has been hinting or telling them that he is going to leave. And sometimes, he just comes home and starts packing his bags without warning.

However it happens, the wives that I hear from don’t want to allow it to happen. They are looking for any way possible to stop him from leaving and making him stay. From my own experience and research, I believe that there is actually a right way and a wrong way to attempt this. That’s not to say that the “wrong” way doesn’t sometimes work or that the “right” way doesn’t sometimes fail. The outcome can sometimes depend upon the people involved and the situation.

But, long-term success often will depend upon how you decide to react and follow through. It’s my opinion that very often, wives in this situation will panic and act desperately and dramatically which can sometimes even make things worse. It can be very hard to resist this when you’re so scared to lose him. But sometimes, you are better off if you take a long-term view rather than trying to only get a short-term reaction. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Trying To Convince Him That You Can Work Things Out If He Doesn’t Leave: This is a common tactic that many women will take. They will try to pinpoint the exact issue that is making the husband want to leave and then attack that issue with a vengeance, hoping to make the husband see that he’s wrong or that, if he just gives the marriage one more chance, you can work the issue out.

Husbands won’t always buy this because often they believe they have made up their mind or because they have heard it before and they know that you’re trying to change their mind and that you’re pulling out all of the stops. So they will be resistant to a lot of what you have to say sometimes. The thing is if you’re going to make any promises or assertions, make sure that it is something that you can back up and give freely and without resentment. Because if you can’t, then this has a way of only showing up again sometime in the future and being just that much more difficult to overcome the next time.

Placing Your Focus On Making Lasting Changes Versus The Short-Term Goal Of Getting Him To Stay: It’s a cliche to say that sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, but in this case, this saying is very true. Many women focus only on getting him to stay and they don’t care what they have to do or say to make this happen. I’ve had women tell me that they have placed themselves between their husband and the door or they have grabbed his suitcase. Women have told me that they’ve even made empty threats because they are going to try anything necessary to make him stay.

I do understand the temptation to do this. When I was in this situation, I did several things and acted in ways I later very much regretted. But, it’s my experience that you will often be much better off if you focus on the long term. You may have to back off some initially to gain some ground later. Often, if you are calm and try to focus on the positive, you will have a much better outcome. And even though it can be very difficult at the time, you can often look back later and realize that you were exactly right.

Making Him Realize You Want Both Of You To Be Happy More Than You Want To Be Right Or To Get Your Way: If you talk to the men in this scenario, they will tell you that they know that their wife’s agenda is solely to get him to stay or to get her way. This is often all they see so they are even more determined to leave because, if they stay, then technically, you have “won.”

It’s important to make them see that there are no winners and losers here. You will often get a much better response if you stress that salvaging the relationship so that you can both be happy is more important to you than what happens in the next few minutes. It’s often better to let things calm down before you attempt to have any serious discussions.

And when things are calm, you can stress that although you certainly don’t want him to leave, you’re looking at it for the long term. You want things to be better and lasting so that you can both be happy. If he needs space or time, then this can be addressed, but ultimately your goal is to just make small improvements and gain some ground until you get to where you want to go.

Because honestly, a wife who is hysterical and begging him to stay, making threats, or acting all dramatic and not like herself is often not the woman he really wants. Often, who he wants and misses is the calm and happy-go-lucky woman he fell in love with, not the upset and clinging one that is before him. You can be desperate to get him to stay without making this completely apparent and without losing control. It takes patience and determination, but it can be done.