Leslie Cane Articles

I sometimes speak with both husbands and wives who tell me they’re not happy in their marriages and are looking for advice about what to do. Sometimes, it’s clear that the person reaching out is seeking confirmation—wanting someone to acknowledge that the situation truly is difficult. In a few cases, I get the sense that they’re hoping I’ll tell them their marriage is beyond saving, so they’ll feel justified if they ultimately decide to separate or divorce.

That’s rare, though. I don’t usually advocate giving up on a marriage—unless someone is being harmed by staying in it.

More often, I hear from people who are married to a decent and loving spouse. People who once enjoyed a healthy, fulfilling relationship that has simply lost its way. For reasons they can’t always explain, the marriage no longer brings them joy. I often hear something like:

“I’m starting to realize I’m not happy in my marriage. It feels like nothing ever changes, and I’m scared this is all I have to look forward to. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. I know I deserve to be happy. But I also have my family to think about. What do I do when I don’t want to walk away, but I also can’t ignore how I feel?”

Believe it or not, when I read messages like this, I see a lot of positives.

For one thing, this person has self-awareness and honesty; they’re not burying their feelings or going through the motions. They want change, and they’re willing to explore how to get there. That’s not always the case. Sometimes people stay stuck, silently resigning themselves to a life that doesn’t bring them peace or joy. But no one deserves that. And in many cases, things can change for the better—often dramatically—if you’re willing to take action before making any life-altering decisions.

And the fact that they’re reaching out? That tells me they still care about the marriage. That they’re not ready to give up. That’s a powerful starting point.

Just Because You’re Unhappy in Your Marriage Today Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Be Happy in It Tomorrow: In my heart, I believe most people know this. But when unhappiness lingers for a while, doubt creeps in. They haven’t seen change in months—or years—so they start to believe it isn’t possible.

Please believe me when I say that very few marriages are truly hopeless. As long as you still care, and you’re willing to have a plan, stay patient, and do the work, things can improve. Will it be easy? Maybe not. But is it worth it? Almost always.

If a little voice in the back of your mind is whispering that you deserve more peace, connection, and joy—you’re right. But who has the power to make that happen? You do. And while it certainly helps if your spouse is on board, it isn’t always necessary—especially in the beginning.

Identifying What’s Really Making You Unhappy: It’s very possible that your marriage could be happier. But I’d gently encourage you to also consider whether other parts of your life might be affecting how you feel at home. It’s not uncommon for stress, exhaustion, or financial pressure to spill over into our relationships. Sometimes, the things we love most—our partners, our children—get put on the back burner because we’re too overwhelmed to give them our best.

Study after study shows that our close personal relationships have the biggest impact on overall happiness. So it’s worth investing in them.

That said, sometimes we unintentionally project frustrations from other areas of our lives onto our marriage—because it’s close, and it’s safe, and it’s there. When that happens, we often end up pulling back when we should be leaning in.

Here’s something I’ve learned the hard way: The feelings you get out of a relationship are almost always tied to the quality of energy you’re putting into it. If you’re not spending much quality time together, it only makes sense that the connection might start to feel distant or stale.

Sometimes the root issues are clear—lack of intimacy, no longer sharing common interests, or one or both people changing over time. But many of these things can be repaired with a shift in focus, some new priorities, and healthier habits. It’s not always quick or easy. But it’s almost always worth the effort.

Taking the First Step Toward the Happiness You Deserve: A lot of us wait for someone else to take the first step. Maybe we feel guilty for being unhappy. Or we’re hoping our spouse will somehow notice and change on their own.

The trouble with that is you could be waiting a long time. Or it may never happen at all. And in the meantime, you’re stuck in a place that isn’t fulfilling.

If you’re not happy, you do have the power to change that. There’s nothing selfish about wanting peace and joy in your life. There’s no shame in taking the lead when it comes to your own well-being.

Whether or not you tell your spouse about the changes you plan to make is up to you. I’ve seen both approaches work. But often, once you start asking yourself what you really want—and begin creating a life that reflects that—your spouse will notice the difference. Your energy shifts. Your reactions soften. And the dynamics in your marriage start to change, too.

Eventually, those small changes add up. And one day you may realize that your marriage feels completely different—in the best way.

I know this might sound overly simplified. But the truth is, the process can be gradual and relatively painless, as long as you’re committed to intentional action and willing to adjust as needed.

My Story: In my own case, it was technically my husband who was unhappy. But I’ll be honest—there were times I wasn’t all that thrilled with our marriage either. I think he believed we were headed toward divorce. And privately, I feared he might be right.

But deep down, I wondered: What if I just worked on me first? What if I stopped waiting for him to fix things and focused on changing myself instead?

That decision changed everything. Over time, I was able to bring back the love we’d both thought we’d lost—and save our marriage.

You can read more about my personal journey on my blog: http://isavedmymarriage.com.