Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Money has always been a serious stressor to marriage (and is often listed as the number one cause of divorce.)  But, as the world economy takes a nosedive many couples watch helplessly as their assets and savings dwindle, while others face job loss and homes in foreclosure.  Watching events like the stock market losing 700 points with no real end in sight can bring about feelings of vulnerability and panic that can seriously stress even the most stable marriages.

These volatile economic times can cause spouses to act in destructive ways that aren’t typical of them.  People stop communicating.  They panic.  They avoid what is the truth of the situation.  They are tempted to just run away.  I understand these reactions completely.  However, I want to stress to you that especially in volatile times such as these, you need a loving marriage as a buffer from these tough times more than ever before. Allowing your marriage to be damaged will only make things worse.  If you want to find a way to keep issues and secrets stemming money from negatively affecting and destroying your marriage, I’ll offer tips that I hope will help.

Understand That The Money Situation Is Fleeting And Ever-Changing, But Your Marriage Shouldn’t Be: Although it may not feel like it right now, this money situation can and likely will work itself out with honest, open communication and through supporting one another.  I can not tell you how many stories about the Great Depression I have heard from my great grandmother.  I am sure that you have too from your family.  I’ve heard stories of her children having to use the plastic newspaper wrapper as shoes and of the sons leaving school for a while to help support their sisters. I’ve heard tales of heat being turned off and parents going without food so that children could eat.  These stories seem unreal to me, but one thing that we can all take from this is that most marriages survived these devastating money challenges.  Our grandparents did not allow these trying times to tear them away from those they loved.

My great grandparents were happily married until their death.  And, they owned a cozy home with a modest amount of assets. Yes, they went through devastating money problems, but they didn’t allow it to destroy them.  It’s entirely possible to recover from money issues, especially when you pull together with those you love.

Address Any Dishonesty And Secrets About Money Now So That The Healing To Your Marriage Can Begin: I’ve been hearing a lot from people (mostly wives but some husbands) who are afraid that these turbulent financial times are going to expose money secrets and omissions that they’ve been hiding.

As more and more couples are forced to take a brutally hard look at their finances, credit card bills and secret stashes that were brushed under the rug are more likely to come out into the open now.  My best advice? Let them, but when they do have an honest, heartfelt and open discussion with your spouse to address the issues and come up with a plan.  Sit down with your spouse at a time when you are both calm and receptive and just come out with it.  Explain that it was a mistake that you deeply regret but you are committed to fixing the problem with an open and honest heart.  Your spouse may well be angry until they have time to process this and see that you are completely sincere and will make good on your promises.  Understand that keeping secrets (money or otherwise) in a marriage is a sure-fire way to create distance and erode intimacy.

Allow Money Issues To Bring You Closer Together In Your Marriage Rather Than Tearing You Apart: In any crisis situation that occurs in a marriage, one of two things will typically happen.  The spouses will either huddle together, commit to being a team, and use the marriage as a safe haven from the stress, or they will allow the crises to erode the marriage – causing distrust, distance, and negative feelings.  Many people allow this process to just happen rather than making a conscious choice.

If you take anything away from this article, please take this. Your money issues may well get worse if you split up. Yes, we live in very stressful times right now.  Money issues and secrets that are destroying marriages are far too common. I understand that these things can make you feel vulnerable, stressed, out of control, scared, and angry.  However, adding a troubled marriage or even a divorce to your list of problems is only going to make things worse in most cases.

Trying to support two households instead of one is even more difficult than any money problems that are on the table.  Not having the emotional and physical support of your husband or wife could very well make you feel even more miserable and vulnerable. In times of turmoil and crises, we all need a partner to help us weather these storms. Let your spouse be that partner.

Yes, there may be money secrets and stress between you.  But, take this as an opportunity and a chance to be honest with your spouse and bring all of those things that were hiding in the dark into the light.  It can make your marriage stronger. And this closeness, support, and strength can help you make it through difficult times.

Money problems were only one of the issues that were tearing my husband and I apart. Things got so bad that we separated. Allowing myself to be vulnerable but honest and self-sufficient helped me to save my marriage. Our financial issues would have been much worse if we split the few assets we had.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com