Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of emails from wives asking about “giving their husband space.” And I completely understand why. When your husband starts to pull away or act distant, it can feel like the safest, most respectful thing to do is to step back and let him have his time.

And in many cases – especially when a husband specifically asks for space and leaves no room for negotiation -I do recommend giving it to him, as long as you use that time to quietly work on yourself and your marriage.

But there’s one situation where I think “giving space” can actually make things worse. That’s when you’re dealing with a husband who seems indifferent – when he doesn’t show much emotion one way or another.

Someone recently wrote me and said:

“My husband has gotten to the point where he’s just numb. He doesn’t get angry. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t seem to care about anything—not even me. I’m scared to say too much because he might think I’m clingy or dramatic. Should I just back off and give him some space?”

Her question really struck me, because I’ve been there. And I can tell you – indifference is one of the most dangerous signs in a marriage.

Why I’d Rather See Frustration or Jealousy Than Indifference: People sometimes look at me like I’ve lost my mind when I say this – but honestly, I would rather see a frustrated or even jealous husband than one who doesn’t care at all.

Here’s why: frustration, anger, jealousy – they all come from feeling something. If your husband is frustrated, it means he still wishes things were different. If he’s jealous, it’s usually because he still cares deeply and doesn’t want to lose what you have.

Those emotions may not be pleasant to deal with, but they tell you that he’s still emotionally invested. There’s still energy there to work with.

Indifference, on the other hand, means the emotions have gone flat. There’s no spark of care, no push or pull—just distance. And when that happens, it can be a warning that you’re running out of time to turn things around.

That’s why, when I see indifference, I don’t usually suggest giving space. I suggest taking thoughtful, deliberate action.

What To Do When Your Husband Is Indifferent: When you’re facing indifference, you need to tread carefully. You can’t rush in with demands or cling too tightly—that will only make him retreat further. But doing nothing at all can also allow the distance to harden into disconnection.

The key is to quietly shift the energy of the marriage. You want to start interacting in small, positive ways again – without pressure, without confrontation.

Instead of asking him to change, start by changing your own actions and attitude. This keeps you in control and avoids the power struggle that often happens when you’re begging someone to “care more.”

Look honestly at where the marriage might have lost its spark. Has life gotten too routine? Have you both stopped really listening, laughing, or showing appreciation?

Try gently reintroducing those things. Smile more. Be affectionate. Offer small kindnesses without expectation. I know that might feel vulnerable – especially if you’ve been hurt – but indifference won’t melt away on its own. It needs warmth to dissolve.

Remember: Indifference Often Has Roots: Sometimes a husband’s indifference is a defense mechanism. Maybe he’s tired of conflict or feels like nothing he does makes a difference anymore. Or maybe both of you have quietly drifted into survival mode, just going through the motions of work, kids, and daily stress.

If that sounds familiar, it might be up to you to take the first step toward reconnecting. Because an indifferent spouse usually isn’t going to initiate that change on his own.

I often tell wives to start by giving their husband more of what they themselves want in the marriage—because love tends to mirror itself. If you want more affection, try giving more affection. If you want him to open up, really listen when he does talk.

No, you don’t have to read his mind. Most of us – men and women alike – want the same basic things in a marriage: to feel loved, understood, desired, and appreciated. To feel like we matter.

If you can slowly reintroduce that emotional connection, you may start to see the first small signs that he’s responding again.

I’ll be honest – when my own husband started showing signs of indifference, I almost waited too long to act. I mistook his silence for peace. I thought if I gave him “space,” he’d miss me and come back stronger.

He didn’t. He just drifted further away.

It wasn’t until I stopped waiting for him to fix things – and began changing my own approach – that things began to shift. It wasn’t easy, and it took time. But it did work.

That experience nearly cost me my marriage, but it also taught me that indifference can be reversed – if you act early and intentionally.

If you’d like to read more about how I personally turned things around and saved my marriage, you can visit my story here. at isavedmymarriage.com