Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife about getting her husband to come back home after their separation. He had been staying with his brother for the last three months. The wife had been laying on the guilt and the pressure in an attempt to get him to come back to her, but so far, that hadn’t worked. The husband was barely taking her calls anymore and the two of them had agreed that they would reevaluate their marriage at the end of the separation. Unfortunately, neither of them had defined when that day might come, but the wife felt confident that, if the husband had to decide tomorrow whether to come home or to leave for good, he was unlikely to come home.

I have seen women (myself included) get their husbands back after a separation. But, many of them don’t use the tactics that this wife was using. In this situation, it is almost always to your advantage to play to your strengths and the positives of the situation rather than to your weaknesses and the negatives in the situation. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Getting Your Husband Back After Your Separation Often Requires That He Realizes Many Things While He’s Away: Here’s something that you must understand. While your husband is away from you during this separation, he’s going to be evaluating the health and desirability of your marriage. In other words, he’s going to be asking himself if he should remain in the marriage or if he’s happier with the way things are during the separation. In short, he has to decide if he’s happier with you or without you.

If he is wavering on this issue, then he will usually ask himself if the issues that are causing him doubt or are making him hesitate can be improved or worked through. Of course, you need for the answer to all of these questions to be a resounding yes. So, you need to be very mindful of how he’s regarding you right now.

You need to set it up so that when he thinks of you, he has a smile on his face and a yearning in his heart. You need to show him that you are willing to work with him on any issues that you might be struggling with. Some women will attempt to do this by constantly discussing “the issues” that are dividing them. In my observation, this is often not the best idea. This will only draw his attention to these things in a negative way and make you seem almost desperate.

You are generally much better off just attempting to focus on the positive and to show him with your actions and not your words that you are willing to meet him halfway. Because honestly, if things have progressed to the point where he has initiated a separation, then it’s not a given that he’s really completely listening to the same old messages. Very often, you will need to change both the tone and the context of your message to get him to pay attention.

How To Play It During The Separation When You Want To Get Him Back: Hopefully, it’s obvious by now that I didn’t think that the wife’s guilt trips were doing her any good. It’s simply human nature for people to want to stay away from things and other people that make them feel bad about their situations or about themselves. If you dwell on these things, then those perceptions that we talked about aren’t likely to swing in your favor.

You are much better off focusing on what is still good. And you will usually have more success if you turn down the pressure. Make it clear that you don’t know what the future holds and that you are tired of all the conflict and no longer want that to be the basis of your relationship. Focus just on making each encounter and perception as positive as you can without coming off as insincere or as if you are just putting on an act for his sake.

For this to really stick, it usually has to be a somewhat gradual process. If you guilt him into coming back before he is really ready to do so, then his heart might be conflicted and his commitment may not be there. As a result, you might always be waiting for the worst-case scenario and this isn’t that great for your marriage either.

How you present yourself right now is very important. You don’t want to be the only one who is invested. If you are, then it can help to back away just a little. If you come on too strong or appear too desperate, then the perception can be that you know that there’s something very wrong with you and the relationship and you’re afraid that eventually, your husband will come to realize this if he is away long enough. This is what you can not afford to have happen.

You want to be light-hearted, open, alluring, and flirty. You do not want to show him that you are struggling or that you put hours of thought and effort into each and every meeting. You want him to think that deep in your heart, you know that you are meant to be together and this is why things are going to work out without your pushing too hard.

It’s Best To Let Him Be The One To Mention Coming Back After The Separation: I can not stress enough how it will often hurt your cause if you are always pushing him to come back. If you’ve been constantly bringing this up, now is the time to stop. You will have your best chance of success if you let him be the one to suggest or ask if he can come back to the marriage and your home.

Often, when I tell women this they will respond with something like: “Yeah, well that’s a lovely idea but it’s never going to happen. If I wait until he asks to come back then I’m going to be waiting a long time.” I disagree with this. I’ve seen this scenario play out so many times. Quite often (but not always,) if you play your cards right, you can and will get the result that you want, which is, of course, him willingly coming back to you after the separation.