Leslie Cane Articles

by Leslie Cane: People write to me when they’re scared, overwhelmed, or wondering if the marriage they once believed in is slipping through their fingers. Some are wrestling with infidelity. Others worry that one or both spouses have “fallen out of love.” And still others are exhausted from a financial crisis, a sick parent, or the thousand stresses that can slowly erode a once-strong bond.

And almost always, the person writing desperately wants to save the marriage—but doubts whether it’s still possible.

After years of hearing these stories – and living my own – I’ve come to believe that most marriages can be salvaged. Not every one, of course. Abuse or deeply destructive patterns require a very different conversation. But outside of those circumstances, I’ve watched marriages that looked utterly hopeless make the slow, stunning climb back to connection and stability.

How does that happen? Usually because one person decides to take a deep breath, step outside their comfort zone, and begin the work – even if their spouse isn’t quite ready to join them yet.

Below are the five questions I encourage anyone in this situation to ask themselves. They come directly from the themes I see over and over again, and the answers often reveal just how much hope still exists.

Question #1: Are You Willing to Begin the Process Even If Your Spouse Is Reluctant?

This is a big one.

I often hear from people who feel stuck waiting for their spouse to “come around.” But if your partner has convinced themselves that nothing will ever change, they may appear distant, cold, or emotionally checked out. And waiting for them to suddenly become cooperative can mean waiting forever.

In many cases, one spouse has to take the first steps alone.

Yes, it can feel lonely. Yes, it’s unfair. But when the reluctant spouse begins to see real change in the atmosphere—not arguments, not pressure, but calm, light, consistent change—something inside them often softens. They begin to think, Maybe this could work after all.

And that’s usually the moment where the dynamic shifts from working alone…to working together.

Question #2: Are You Willing to Be Flexible About Your Beliefs and Behaviors?

I often tell people: “If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”

If the emotional culture of your marriage has been unhappy or disconnected, something has to shift. That might mean examining long-held assumptions – some you inherited from your family, some you absorbed without noticing, and some that simply no longer serve your relationship.

There is no universal “right” or “wrong” here.

What matters is what works for your marriage.

Sometimes that means letting go of habits that have become routine but not helpful. Sometimes it means loosening your grip on the “shoulds”—what you think marriage ought to be—and opening yourself to what your marriage could be instead.

Question #3: Are You Willing to Choose the Right Timing for Big Conversations?

Almost every couple believes that the first step to saving their marriage is diving straight into their biggest problems. And yes, those issues do need to be addressed.

But timing matters.

Trying to solve deep problems while both of you are distant, angry, or hopeless rarely produces anything but more distance, more anger, and more hopelessness.

My experience has taught me this: When the emotional climate is cold, even the best strategies won’t take root.

Sometimes, the first step is not “fixing the issues.”
Sometimes, the first step is rebuilding enough warmth that the issues can finally be approached constructively.

A little positivity goes a very long way. A shared laugh, a lighter mood, small gestures of goodwill – these things can thaw the ice just enough for real progress to begin.

Question #4: Are You Willing to Stop Keeping Score?

Troubled marriages often become battlegrounds of “I’m right,” “You’re wrong,” and “Why should I do all the work?”
And believe me, I’ve heard every variation of:

“Why should I be the one to change? He doesn’t seem to care. Why should I?”

I understand this frustration more than you know.

But here’s the difficult truth: Keeping score almost always stalls progress.

Sometimes, you have to decide what matters more – being right, or being happy. I’ve watched people cling so tightly to the scoreboard that it chokes the life out of their marriage.

You don’t have to give up your dignity, your perspective, or your boundaries.
But you do have to be willing to step away from the tug-of-war long enough to let something softer and more productive take its place.

Question #5: Are You Truly Indifferent?: This may be the most important question of all.

People worry that their marriage is doomed because they argue or because hurtful words get said. But conflict – even painful conflict – still shows that both people feel something.

What worries me is indifference.

When there’s no anger, no fear, no curiosity…that’s when the ground is hardest to rebuild.

But you’re here, reading this, searching for answers. That alone tells me you’re not indifferent. Something in you still cares. Something in you still believes the story isn’t over yet.

There was a time when I believed my own marriage was finished. My husband grew distant. He withdrew. He eventually asked for a divorce. I felt betrayed, confused, and utterly powerless.

But even though I doubted myself, I decided to try one last thing. I changed the way I responded. I changed the emotional temperature. I stopped reacting from fear and started acting from intention.

It didn’t work overnight.
But it worked.

If you’re standing at a crossroads right now, please know that I’ve been exactly where you are. And I know how lonely and frightening it can feel.

If you’d like to read the very personal story of how my marriage eventually turned around, you can find it here: isavedmymarriage.com

And remember: even if one person begins the shift, change is still possible. More possible than you may believe right now.